Dear John – Movies Without Pity

I sat down to watch this lovely, romantic movie that a friend suggested to me. I snorted at the premise that was explained to me. I hate romance, I definitely don’t often lay awake staring at the ceiling thinking about my perfect white wedding to Jesse L. Martin. Never-the-less, I committed myself  to watching the movie. In hindsight, it probably would have been less pain and heart-ache had I committed myself to a sanatorium of sorts. This. Movie. Made. Me. Want. To. Hurt. Myself.

As if it wasn’t doomed from the beginning – John is in the army and he is narrating something which would be pointless if got the dead, but he was shot. He talks about how the first thought before he got taken down was coins and a trip he went to a coin making factory. I hope the last thought that I have, should I ever get shot, would be the time I went to the life education centre and Billy Westwood pointed to Tammy-The-Human-Body’s vagina when an instructor asked him to point to her heart.

But, I digress. John says his second last thought was her. Forgive me, but I can’t exactly remember what her name was, maybe I lost interest before she was properly introduced. Hey, it’s possible. I have a lot of belly lint- which, actually could adequately confirm my theory that I am in fact full of stuffing and not sub-par internal organs…

So the movie kicks off when he, a special forces soldier saves the chick’s purse after some bumbling goober knocks it in to the water from the jetty. He jumps in like a boss and saves it before the goober can run around and get it. She, Savannah (I just looked it up) instantly falls in love with him. John is on a 2 week army leave and it apparently only takes 2 weeks to know that you wanna spend your life with someone… Again, similarly to How Stella Got Her Groove Back, they move pretty quickly – apparently that’s the done thing in these films. Terribly realistic and all.

So she meets his Dad who is clearly autistic and is obsessed with coins and collecting them. I think it was supposed to be inferred somewhere that it had driven a wedge between him and his Dad, but it fell flat. She addresses the elephant in the room by telling John she wants to work with Autistic children. John gets upset and punches out her Dad’s friend who has an autistic son.

The guy forgives him cos he’s such a gentle lover-not-a-fighter type. John promises Savannah that he only has one year left of military and then he’ll be out and they can start their life together but in the meantime they should totally write letters old fashioned style. How fun. So they get to know each other by sharing completely family-friendly letters, after all this is a terrible Nicholas Sparks movie. So they do, they are totally in love having spent only 2 weeks of their entire lives together.

And so September 11 happens and his whole team decide to sign up for another 2 years and he hates Savannah and thinks that she’s an ugly mole and can’t figure out any other escape route out of this hellish relationship that he has involved himself in and feels trapped so agrees to as well he goes home for one night and meets her family and it comes out that he’s signed up for another two years. They have a fight, it ends okay. He goes back to the Army.

Then the bitch stops replying to his letters and for ages he gets nothing and he keeps writing anyway, like a fool… this is much different to the times when I call my friends and they get back to me instantly. And by friends, I may mean posters. And by call, I may mean mental telepathy, because the unreturned calls made him look completely foolish. So one day she finally gets back to him and I suspect it was a bad letter cos he goes and burns everything and when a guy asked him if he was okay he tells the soldier his gf broke up with him. And makes some mention about her getting engaged to someone else.

What?! What the hoo-friggin-ha?! It came out of left-field – and there was no explaination offered, either – so I wasn’t sure if John was lying to have his friend shut up about working it out – until of course, John gets shot in Afghanistan and we speed up to where the movie began.

He survives somehow, which is odd considering he was shot several times by a semi-automatic rifle. So then he wants to go back to fight but they send him home cos his autistic Dad is about to die. As if the past 45 minutes of the movie was tragic enough. So he goes home and writes a letter to his dad but sits and reads it to him and spends a few minutes trying not to break down.

John’s Dad dies and then he goes to visit Savannah, I guess about 5 yrs has passed. He goes to her house then it is revealed that she married the dude with the autistic kid who actually was more like her father-figure. He now has terminal cancer and is about to die.

Is it just me, or does Nicholas Sparks absolutely hate everybody in the world and want to suck the life, the tears, the happiness and the enjoyment out of any fantasy in the world? How is it that in EVERY imaginative fantasy world he creates, everybody loses… Dude, it’s fantasy, that’s the greatness of it – it doesn’t have to suck, no one has to die. People that were in love could have stayed in love! Clearly, you dickbag, you know about the suspension of reality since two of your last characters in your equally awful film, The Notebook died in unison (but again it wasn’t a positive fantasy, which is … the most ridiculous and unrealistic thing that could have ever happened) so why didn’t you apply it here? What is wrong with you? If I ever meet you, Nicholas Sparks, I’m going to kick you repeatedly in the nut-sack for the trauma you has caused me in passing years over your misunderstanding of the basic premise of fantasty.

Idiot.

John takes it unrealistically well, in fact he visits the douche bag in the hospital and doesn’t even attempt to ‘help him along’ (umm in a euthanasia sense, let’s clarify) and he goes to have dinner afterward with Savannah where she tells him she wants to try some kind of treatment to keep the douche alive longer but it costs lots of money.

John goes and sells his Dads coin collection and gives the money to the husband and he lives for like a month longer and then gets really dead. And then John goes home and he and Savannah hug and the credits roll up.

AND I JUST WASTED ABOUT ONE AND A HALF HOURS OF MY LIFE ON THIS PILE OF SHIT.

I hated this movie. I hate it possibly more than I hate the notebook. Maybe someone can sit Sparks down and explain to him about the reasons as to why people watch movies – because life already sucks and they want to escape from it to a place where they feel happier and detached from that hideousness of reality because clearly this sadistic bastard just paces his house thinking up new stories to make people feel like vomiting from the trauma that is his books/films.

I did have a rating system, but I diffused it for this movie since I was afraid that the movie may have caused it to spontaneously combust with general awfulness.

If you liked this movie I’d like to punch you.

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3 Comments

  1. Yay, you watched it! Now, I’m not alone in feeling I wasted an hour or so watching this movie. (For the record, I skipped most parts, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.) The only compensation I got from watching this movie was seeing Channing Tatum’s big guns and his abs.

    But….I have no shame in admitting I did like The Notebook. And Message In a Bottle.

    Reply
    • Channing Tatum… mmm. Although he does look like a big dummy! … thats ok. :D

      You should have COMPLETE shame in admitting you liked The Notebook & Message in a Bottle… The Notebook especially ;)

      Reply
  1. Dear John « Between You and Me

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