5 reasons why some people with mobile / cellular phones should be punched.

I only know of one person (under the age of around 65 and over the age of 12) who does not possess a mobile phone. I am not against the use of mobile phones having fallen in the Gen Y age group, being a teenager in the late 90s when it became cool and ‘imperative’ for every kid my age to have his or her own phone. The truth is, mobile / cellular phones are actually an abomination, nay, a black spot, if you will on society. Okay, maybe that’s being a bit too dramatic, but honestly – sometimes I want to punch people in the face when they leave the house with their phones. (I seem to want to punch people in the face a lot .. hmm, something might be in that.)

Here are some of the things that attribute to my happy resolve that some should be punched for leaving the house with their mobile phones.

1. The ol’e screaming-down-a-black-hole-for-signs-of-life, trick.

Why is it that when you are sitting on a train or a bus or, well… anywhere in public really — and someone, and it’s usually someone who is middle-aged that is the culperit, answers their phone. Firstly they’ll have a super obnoxious ring tone, usually something that is inappropriate for their age such as Akon’s ‘Smack Dat’, or Jason Derulo’s ‘Ridin’ Solo’. The second problem is the volume in which they will decide to speak. I’m not entirely sure if most people are aware of how loud they are talking; or if they do it just because they think everyone else wants to hear their inane, bullshit conversations. Never-the-less, they go about their business, usually displaying their stupid verbal spewings for anyone within a 10m radius to hear … and then the phone call will drop out.

The offender can’t then just accept that they’ve lost service and hang up and call back, but they will trail in circles, bopping their dumb head around like bo-bo the clown trying to gain service again. When that doesn’t work, the offender grabs his or her phone and usually holds it in front of them as though its a glowing crystal ball that they can see the future in, or at least, what the other person might be doing and they start raising their already-treacherously-loud voice in to, “HELLO!?” …. Silence, “HELLO??? ARE YOU THERE???” clearly nobody is there. “HELLO!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME? YOU’RE DROPPING OUT ON ME!” and it goes on as though they are a bogan version of Jack Shephard looking for signs of life down the dastardly hatch or Timmy O’Toole stuck down the well. “MATE, HELLO!?” Equivalent to and as urgent as someone falling down a gaping chasm. Eventually, they either hang up and call back, or the person’s phone gives them an awful fright as the phone has already disconnected the call and they have called back and the obnoxious ring tone comes screaming out to further annoy people.

2. You don’t deserve my undivided attention while I’m ordering food/buying clothes/other, you lowly sales assistant / cafe / restaurant / other scum, can’t you see I’m busy chatting on the phone which is clearly more important than paying for my products / produce?

Perhaps this little gem bothers me so much as I have been on the receiving end of it in my past two jobs. It is extremely rude of anyone to come to the counter, order food with such an absence and air of importance while they are too busy tending to phone call that is clearly able to wait. I am not an unfair person, I understand that sometimes it’s impossible to dodge a call, but it takes 5 seconds to ask your friend to wait 30seconds or to call them back in a few moments. If the call is just so important that you cannot do the aforementioned, then stand aside, let other people order and wait til you are done! It’s not rocket science. It’s almost embarrassing when someone is too busy talking on the phone and regards you with very little of their attention when you are trying to take an accurate order. “I’ll have sandwich with 12 types of salad.” The person goes back to blabbing on the phone, extending an amount of cash that will well and truly cover it, and turns their body outward so you can’t even make gestures to ensure you have the order correctly. Questions like, What kind of bread would you like? Do you want me to wrap it up for you to take away, or would you prefer to eat here? Could I take a name for your order? If they hand me a card, do you want credit, savings or cheque, do you want to use a PIN or sign? Would you like a receipt?  … None of these things get answered, and it is especially annoying when you can hear that the only conversation that is happening is an exorbitantly inconsequential one. And guess who is to blame if order is not what they wanted? Seriously, just piss off to the end of the line til you’re done with your gossipy, banal phone crap.

3. So you think you’re a model because you took 6 photos of yourself from a strategic-angle with high-contrast on your crappy. low-res, hand-me-down Nokia from Mum or Dad and uploaded it to the social network of your choice.

In this case, I don’t want to punch the poor victim of parental stupidity, but the parents themselves for thinking their child is responsible enough for both a mobile phone with social networking features and a social networking account. Generally these photos are taken shamelessly in scanty clothing and either in a room that has way too much light or not enough. The lighting does just the trick for a super sexy pose. Usually you see gaggles of teen girls gathering way too many people in to one tiny little camera space while posing with duck faces, shocked expressions, trout pouts, or an embarrassingly awkward come-hither look. They upload these photos using the internet feature that comes with their premature phone plans, photoshop them up (albeit badly) and add some ‘sentimental’ lyrics on them. And of course, their 29382034 nearest and dearest contacts will be quick to comment on just how “smexxxi” they are, hence said youngster sits on the phone for hours rummaging through the comments vaguely dismissing the compliments as “totez lies.”

4. Oh yeah your iphone is fantastic and I’m so glad that it allows you the opportunity to play your phat beatz at a volume that bothers everyone else who is sitting in the same train carriage as us, I always believed that earphones were a completely redundant and silly invention.

I like a lot of different styles of music. I like listening to it on a train on my ipod. I like listening to it loudly too, with my earphones in. And you know why I choose to wear those filthy little wax collectors? Because it’s the right thing to do. Listen up, homeboy — or gangsta-wannabe bogan (your choice), just because you want to hear your crappy array of Souljah Boy or doof-doof music, doesn’t mean that every single other person does as well. No one cares about your music taste, no one thinks you’re just that little bit cooler for it, if anything everyone just thinks that you are an inconsiderate turd with serious try-hard tendencies. Plug in your headset, or turn the music off — we all hope your battery will go flat in the meantime.

5. Talking on the mobile phone is the safest thing that you can do while driving, right? RIGHT?!

I’ve been an offender in the past, I have to be honest — but the past is the past. The amount of accidents that occur due to people too busy yakking away on their phones are too many to count (or I just can’t be arsed finding a statistic, so I’ll jazz up my sentence with a something poetic). Just recently, I have had a couple of situations where someone has verbally abused the absolute crap out of me due to their own inability to watch the road while they have been talking on the phone. You know those idiots, the ones that scrounge around the passenger seat through their handbags or piles of crap looking for their phone and merging involuntarily in to the next lane nearly taking out another car because the. phone. call. is. just. so. im.port.ant!!! A moron woman pulled right out in front of me just last week with great hesitance and even stopped halfway in the middle of the road when she realised she was in the wrong and continued to hesitate. Lucky for her, I pre-empted it as I could see from a mile away that she was on the phone (yes, an entire mile, my eyesight is bionic, shut up). When I shook my head at her she began to abuse me, she tooted her horn shook her fist, made penis gestures at her forehead (seriously, is that supposed to make me feel silly? You’re the one who is thumping yourself in the forehead with a fist, you dolt) and eventually she gave me the finger and drove off in a rage the whole time still talking on the phone. No phone call is so important that it can’t wait five seconds, and if you feel that it is, pull over. And don’t tell the police to ‘go and catch real criminals’ when you get the mother of all fines because of it. (Brilliant segue for my next post, police who get a rough time for enforcing the law)

And with my 5 reasons listed, I am curious to know — what are your mobile / cellular phone gripes? Leave a comment below, or, you know the drill, I’ll punch you. 🙂

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3 Comments

  1. BB

     /  June 2, 2011

    I laughed because of how true this whole entry is especially the part about how peeps start screamin down the phone when the call drops out. its not just on trains tho its everywhere you just wants to be like, ‘yo mutha fucka sit your mutha fuckin’ azz down before i pop you in yo’ head.’
    seriously that shit makes BB get alll ganggggsta.
    love ya

    Reply
  2. Karen

     /  June 15, 2011

    I love this blog hahahahahahaha. you rock. you are such a good writer u really make me laugh!! i think i have to add this to my favs. please keep updating. i need some laughs every now and then!

    Reply

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