5 Moments That Will Make You Cringe Possibly For Your Entire Life.

So hey, you know those moments where you do something that makes you feel really embarrassed? How do you handle them? Do they keep you up at night? I was thinking about this earlier because I can think of an instance where I still shudder and my conscience still brings it up with me when I’m contemplating belly lint or trying to study astrophysics (haha, just kidding, I totally don’t contemplate my belly lint, that part was a total lie). Here are 5 moments that you always want to gloss over, but you can’t because for some hideous reason, it’s been emblazoned in to your memory bank even forgoing the memory of what you did with your jury-duty bill that you received 2 weeks ago; or what safe-place it was that you put that those family heirlooms… but I digress.

 

1. Spit in my eye, fantastic!

Someone important has asked you a question. It’s that hot guy, future boss, someone you want to make an impression on – or who knows? Just… someone that you’re actually bothering to put on some airs and graces for. You’re looking great, you sound like you are really funny, witty, cool, intelligent. You flip your hair over your shoulder as you’re speaking – wow, man, you have never ever looked so cool. Shit, you’ve never been cool, but this is your moment, you are shining. You laugh at all the right moments, you are apparently saying all the right things — no one has ever found your tangents about Playstation3 Vs Xbox360 this interesting before. No that face the person is making in front of you isn’t disgust, they’re just gassy, it happens, don’t let it blow your confidence, you’re a friggin’ rocksta—oh great.

You can see it, they can feel it. Both of your eyes fleetingly, almost slyly meet at the same spot – that tiny little bauble of spittle that rests delicately upon their cheek. It flew out of your mouth, such a tiny little bauble, but if it had a sound effect, it would be in cinema sound. It’d sound like that big moment in Pearl Harbor… And now there’s awkwardness. What do you do, you ask yourself? Keep talking, no don’t keep talking, if you keep talking you’ll lose your train of thought because your conscience will be too busy screaming YOU SPAT ON HIM!!!!!!!!! … Do you acknowledge it? Yes. No. Maybe. “OH GOD, I DONT KNOW; I JUST SPAT ON HIM!!!!” …Before you get to make your choice, said person of interest very subtly brushes your delicate piece of spittle away, as if it was an unwanted kiss, if you will… And you bumble your way through the rest of the conversation until it dies. And then when for the next hour all you can think about is how you spat on that guy over there, yep, the one keeping his distance. And you know what? All he can think of is that horrible, awkward hideous moment where he got spat on by some random.

And you’ll still be thinking about it when you go to bed at night. And at other random intervals… And probably still in 20 years time when you’re caressing the back of your white cat and planning to launch a counterattack on society for being ever-so cruel to you.

 

2. You just fell for me.

Oh yeah, this will make you feel like a real dick. There are all types of trips you can take – and I’m unfortunately not talking about the holidaying kind. I’m talking about the kind where you hurt your ankle like a bitch and humiliate yourself in the process and leave people giggling under their breath – or if you are around a bunch of arseholes, probably they’ll be less discreet at laughing at your misfortune.

Sometimes gravity just loves to play a little trick on you – and by some, almost supernatural, unexplained force you almost meet the ground, but you don’t. Instead, you stumble just a few steps. Unless of course, it’s one of those comedy of stumbles where you trip about five times will trying to regather your balance, self-esteem that has just taken a massive hit from your own inability to well, walk. You fail epically, but… you try to convince everyone else around you after you have both feet back on the ground that nothing happened and that you are indeed graceful, yup, like a friggin’ swan. You are red-faced and your toe is sore and so is your ego, but you hold your head high and keep on without making eye contact with any other person for fear that they will be laughing in your face.

And they are, you know, some a little more quietly than others, but some overt and unashamed. The harder the fall, the harder the laugh, the more bruised the ego becomes. And if the fall actually causes people to ask if you’re okay, you try to convince them you are. It could be that you are bleeding from 12 places, but still you convince them with a smile on your face, “Oh that, no, no, no… I had this gash on my forehead before I fell over. Haha, yes! I also had a wrist that was facing the wrong way and only one shoe… Thanks though!”

And after you’ve dragged yourself out of hospital getting stitched up and you’re comfortable in bed, your conscience is still haunting you about how all those people laughed at you and you looked like the world’s biggest dickhead for falling on that tiny little step in the curb.

You know what? Those people are probably still laughing at you for your stupidity each time they think of it. People revel in your misfortune.

 

3. Kodak moment.

You have this really super funny story that may possibly be a little inappropriate – or maybe it’s a naughty limerick or a little ditty that you found wildly hilarious and you want – nay, need, to share it with a group of people because then they’ll finally see you for the fantastic, witty hilarious chap that you clearly are. So you share it, you go in to great detail, you use arm gestures, going for the gusto! You are animated, charismatic you add just the right element of suspense to keep everybody hanging on to your every, interesting, riveting word – shit, all you are missing is a campfire and marshmallows roasting on sticks. And you get to the point of the story and it is met with an awkward exchange of looks.

… Well. You were not banking on that reaction. What reaction, you are asking? Exactly.

Worse than no reaction at all, is that moment where you realised that your story/joke/dirty limerick offended everybody horribly. At least in the case of silence, you can console yourself that your humour is just way too sophisticated for most of your insufferable peers to get. When people are offended, you go in to damage-control – if there is such thing. Generally after telling everybody about the hilarious time you tied your dog and cat together in a perfectly ventilated area in hopes that they’d get bored and create a miracle hybrid of animal, there’s not much you can say to take it back… Don’t ask me how I know that, just trust me.

You can always get away with it by justifying to everyone else that it was just a Kodak moment in that, you just had to be there to see the funny side of it! Surely when your conscience eats at you every night for the next month about it, will be reminder enough what mistakes not to make a second time!

 

4. So good to see you.

You see someone who you know a little bit. Maybe you’ve met a few times but don’t quite consider yourself their friend yet… and you see them and you’re happy to see them – you figure you could approach them and make up share some gossip important and detailed information with them that may make them like you more. And then they start waving at you frantically with a big grin, and it’s unexpected but you are really happy because wow, clearly you made such an impact on them despite the fact that you spat on them back a little while ago… So you start waving frantically back, almost, dare I say? Euphoric with joy! You make a beeline to that person and are right about to say hello enthusiastically like an excitable puppy when you realise you actually – OH NO… you turn around behind you, you look to the person standing almost directly behind you and you realise, oh shit… nope, it wasn’t you they were waving at.

And the worst part? They realised at the same time that you thought they were waving at you. Well, well, isn’t this an awkward little moment for everybody involved that shall haunt not only you, but the other parties involved probably for about…ever.

 

5. “What do you think?”

You are shopping with a friend and you’re looking at something, probably a book or a DVD knowing you. You are reading the back of it and you start talking to your friend, asking her educated opinion on the matters of Batman vs Superman (not that you need her opinion, clearly Batman is the winner here) and you realise that wily bitch isn’t so much walking as she is, edging away slowly almost embarrassed. You realise the 6ft man that is quietly making an exit is not in fact just your suddenly matronly-looking friend. Your friend is too busy standing by an aisle not too far away laughing behind her hand at your own stupidity.

Or worse, when the person doesn’t edge away and they let you realise that it’s not the person that you think it is and they smile almost patronisingly, as if they could never make such an easy mistake.

What’s even worse than that is when said stranger starts speaking to you back and it’s one of those socially inappropriate types that you can’t get away from which makes real friend laugh even harder so that not only your conscience can taunt you later on, but now she can too…

 

Share your embarrassing moments that you can still think of that have happened long, long ago though your conscience still makes you feel like an idiot for it, come on, be brave… I just shared all of mine.

Advertisements
Leave a comment

7 Comments

  1. Mumsy

     /  June 16, 2011

    ahhh yes, the ol’ falling over trick…. sit back and reminisce with me. Picture this …. Erskine Park, early 90’s.. come on kids, time to go to school… Andrew stop teasing your sister, Jess! stop trying to poke out your brother’s eye with your Crayola.. ok, let’s see, all belted up Andrew? yes? good, now let’s see if Jess is secure, righteo, let’s go. I walk around to the driver’s side, not realising how close the car is parked to the edge of the driveway (pre garden bed between the Thompson’s and ours) and away I went!! Right foot slips off the drive, I try and grab the door handle to support myself, a few flailing of the arms, unbalancing about to happen and down I went in the most excruciating pain imaginable! Right ankle twisted in an uncomely fashion, I’m laying in the dirt holding my ankle (in the days when I could actually double over and grab my ankles!) and uttered every foul word ever spoken (or thought) and some I made up as I writhed in pain and trying not to cry…. I attempt to stand up, knowing damn well this ol’ injury wasn’t going to be ok in a few minutes, I roll over and do the ‘toddler trying to stand thing’ arse up, legs spread (one in the air) and happen to look up and see my neighbour standing there, with hands on his hips laughing, yes! laughing!! at me!! in pain!! Well let me tell you the tears stopped, I stood up, ( I am sure my face was scrunched up like I had just eaten a rotten lemon!) and climbed into the car, he got into his and drove off. I sat in the car and cried…. needless to say, that’s another day the kids had off school… oh and the neighbour? We shall call him Mr. Biggles *ahem*

    Reply
    • I can so relate to tripping over. I have tripped over nothing…there wasn’t a step, curb or anything in front of me! lol

      Also…there’s been so many times that I’ve been out with my mum and I’m like “hey, mum look…” I look beside me and there’s this Lady or man grinning at me like i’m an idiot

      Reply
      • Haha, I had a really embarrassing trip once when I was at coles. I tripped over a tiny little lip on the concrete and I decided that instead of just stumbling like a tool trying to regain my balance, I should just commit to the fall and ended up on my back in pain and bruised… but I think the worst bruise was the bruise on my ego haha. Everyone was like OMG ARE YOU ALRIGHT and my ex was absolutely horrified… I’m glad it looked more scary than funny, because it made me feel less like a douche.

        Also, I do that thing with my friends to HEY LOOK AT-oh, you’re not my mother…. hahahaha.

        Reply
  2. LOLLL

    thank for nearly making me wet my pants. so far that wins.

    Reply
  3. Karen

     /  June 17, 2011

    LOL you did it again.
    One time I spat on someone when talking LOL and it wasnt even like you described there was nothing delicate about the spit! It was this GIANT spit bubble and we both watched it fly out of my mouth on to THE SIDE OF HIS PLATE while we were eating in this restaurant. LOLOLOLOL I still think about it now and it happened about 6 yrs or so ago??? It was just aweful!

    Reply
    • Cringe-worthy moments stay with you like happy memories. You try really hard to forget them but the harder you try, the more you remember. Ugh.

      Hey, is that all right if I link your blog to mine? Or are you keeping this semi-private at the moment? LOL.

      Reply
      • They really do… I am sure C. can agree, we often talk about the moments that make her cringe for months later hahaha…

        Sure you can add my blog… I am just trying to keep my name off of things. 🙂 Thanks. (and LOL @ Semi-private with my 300 odd fb friends and 300 something twitter followers hahaha)

        Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: