5 Things I’ve Learned From Facebook

1. The people who keep adding me from Highschool aren’t really interested in being my friend.
I know you are shocked and appalled by the mere suggestion that people could just want to add me for the sake of being nosey, but I have it on good authority that it is true. I have a little story to share. It starts off with one of the prettiest girls from school adding me to Facebook. I knew her since I was a little kid, but she conveniently forgot that I existed after 6th grade. That’s just fine, I didn’t really like her snot nose anyway. She added me and I accepted out of nothing more than a fleeting feeling of obligation. I sent her an obligatory “hello and thanks for the add, long time no see…” message on her wall.
Imagine my surprise when she didn’t respond. More than 2 weeks passed and not once did she comment on, reply to or seem vaguely interested in my life. So I did what any disgruntled former-acquaintence would do, I deleted her ass.
Fast-forward 2 months later and she adds me again! I figured that maybe I deleted her prematurely and that she was possibly going to say something but just didn’t remember. I added her, I left her the exactly same message, only because I forgot that I left it the first time. Her page is rife with bullshit posts from the same girls that I once considered my friends. And low and behold, no response. What a surprise! … She made a post about a TV show that I watch, I commented. She replied to everyone else but me. What the frickity frack?
So I deleted her. I was sick of looking at her annoying updates anyway. Imagine my sheer, unfiltered, blinding rage when she went to add me a third time. Take. A. Friggin’ Hint. I was so annoyed this time, that I accepted her. I gave her a three day grace period and in that time nothing was posted. So I sent her a private message that read as follows;
“Seriously, what the hell do you want?”
No response. I deleted her and blocked her stupid ass.
Do you know how many times I’ve added people to my Facebook and they have not once responded to a single thing I’ve written? Mostly these are high school friends who want nothing more to nose through your shit so that they can make themselves feel better about their own crappy mediocre suburban lifestyles. Whatever bitch.
2. People are way more annoying than you could have ever imagined.
Some people have no concept of TMI. Sometimes this is acceptable because their TMI is actually funny and witty and isn’t attention-seeking or laced with ambiguously veiled insults toward someone of whom they have no balls to confront personally.
Now, I don’t want to be a hypocrite here, so I will put my hand up to recognise that I, on occasion have posted a slip-up emo post or something that perhaps hasn’t tried to garner attention, but rather express myself aptly. Though, my friends on my Facebook page are carefully divided up in to categories from Close friends and family, to acquaintences, to high school ‘friends’, to fandom friends and more – this is a great method of regulating what certain people can see. When posting personal things, I usually leave access only to close friends and family, the rest cannot see. Maybe it would do those who don’t know me very well to take a leaf out of my book and do the same. Honestly, I don’t want to watch your domestic affairs unfold over a Facebook status … okay maybe I do, maybe it’s a little comical to me, but that is beside the point.
I can’t handle it when people type ambiguous or leading statuses in order to lure their friends in to asking what is wrong – the questions and concerns will go completely ignored until the person feels like changing or deleting said status.
Oh, the “I’m so friggin’ amazing and drunk” status updates. You know, instead of trying to convince your entire friend’s list of how much of a good time you are having, why don’t you actually stop updating your page and go out and actually have one.
I’m not against anyone who has children and in fact, I love kids… but I don’t want to read about your baby taking a dump for the first time it coughed and farted at the same time. I understand it’s exciting and that you want to share everything because your baby is delightful and amazing, really I do… but seriously… take away users whinging about how hard done by their lives are and the kid talking and Facebook would be a friggin’ ghost town.
3. Men from India and Africa really like me…
I don’t know how many times I have been friend-requested by men who live in India and Africa. They usually send a friend request and I usually send a message asking, “Why are you trying to add me, do you think you know me?” (Knowing very well, of course, that they do not) and I am met with responses like, “You are very beautiful,,, I would like to be friends.” 
Get lost.
4. People have a lot of spare time to play a lot of annoying games.
Hey I am not judging anyone. Before you go and question whether or not I have anything better to do than to write blogs about insufferable movies and why social network annoys me, let me just stop you – No, I don’t.
I too have a lot of spare time.
But what annoys me is having to constantly wade through a bunch of bullshit posts on my Facebook feed in order to get to find out what is actually news with my friends… But I usually don’t get too excited since generally news is people posting about how much their lives suck or how many times their kid pooped that day… but still… How many flash-based games can one be addicted to!?
5. People think that I care where they are at all times.
The check-in place option on Facebook further perpetuates a society that no longer understands the need for privacy. I think I’ve used Facebook check-in a handful of times, usually as a joke. I remember sitting in the car with a friend once, checking in from various false and outrageous locations while giggling madly. A talent agency, a golf course at 8pm, the local ambulance station, the freeway – but I could probably count on my fingers how many times I’ve used it in seriousness.
I don’t mind that people use it, but it’s the level of use that annoys me. I have a particular contact who uses facebook check-in to share her visits to a fast food restaurant. I know that she goes to this particular restaurant more than 5 times a week. Really? Is that something you want people to know? If you’re somewhere special, then fine… I can understand the excitement. If I were in Seattle right now, like I dream of being, then I would be definitely checking-in.
But a visit to the local shopping centre? A walk down the street? Giving the exact coordinates / map while at a friends place? Seriously? I would take up serious issue with any friend of mine who shares the exact coordinates of where I live by checking in from my house.
No one cares where you are every day except you, man!
Well this has been fun. I think I’ll go eat some mayonnaise.

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5 Ways To Effectively Finish That 1500w Essay Before that Pesky Due Date.

1. Become a domestic Godess
Oh sure, cleaning is a favourite pastime of mine, right up there next to watching Startrek reruns and paperslitting my eyeballs. You can obviously see why this would be an imperative part of the process of completing an amazing, well-researched and educated essay before the due date. I like to start by making sure that all of my clothes are put neatly in to my wardrobe, but that’s just me, you might like to start somewhere else. Then I like to make sure everything in my bedroom is sitting at a perpendicular angle, again this is just what I prefer everybody has their own equally effective method. While doing this, it’s a great idea to also rifle through that top “junk” drawer and go through all of my legal documents to double check the personal information of that identity I am assuming in case of a close brush with the law crap. 
You might like to vacuum, lest any flecks of dust from my floor may spring up and get caught in your eye thus preventing you from being able to look at the monitor to type out the assignment. You should dust everything as well, you know, just in case you inhale dust particles and end up with a cough and need to lay down which again could prevent you from actually getting the work done.

A fresh smelling work space is an effective work space, remember that. I find it’s a good idea to move around my furniture too and even on some occasions there is a very strong necessity for new furniture – this is purely for OH&S of course. It’s right to be ergonomically correct.

After you’ve spent around 3-10 hours on this task, you should be almost ready to get writing!

2. Masterchef
In order to get your brain energised and ready to expend it’s full and overflowing intellectual capacity upon the clean white slate of MS Word, you’ll probably like me, need to make something to eat.

This is actually an excellent chance to use that slow-cooker that you bought 3 years ago and haven’t used once. Also, you’ve got to go get some meat to braise from scratch, so probably best to take a trip to the grocery store… Oh, and also, there’s that list of necessary items that should be picked up that should read something like this; chocolate, chips, chocolate, crackers, chocolate, sour cream, chips and sour cream… Also there’s this new hair stuff you’ve been meaning to try….

I’m not stupid, I know there’s no point in trying to study on an empty tummy, so it’s probably a good idea to wait for that meat to braise which should be done almost in time for dinner.

And you know what? … After that it will be almost time to start on that essay that is due at around midnight.

3. Researching

Everyone knows that the key to a fantastic paper is a well-researched one. Heck, I know this… that’s basically why the internet was invented – so that the information is at my fingertips… right? … Well, besides porn that is, but alas, that’s another story.

So in order to get some opinions on where to look for the information about your essay’s subject, its probably a very good idea to ask your friends collectively over Facebook and also to send an SOS tweet out so that one of your many friends may be able to help with opinions and ideas! Social networking is much more reliable than it was before when it was all about myspace, you see.

It’s okay to have a conversation on Facebook chat with one of your uni friends about the woes of your assignment and ask for his or her pointers – and you better listen to her or his woes in return – its only fair. While doing that, it might be shrewd to update your Facebook profile picture, as it probably will entice people to come to your profile and have a look at the SOS note you posted for help with your research.

Let your friend talk about their assignment while you take a couple of super awesome shots with your web cam, camera phone or whatever device is necessary. Upload, and let those friends flock to you with their unending wealth of knowledge and reliability!

This baby is actually going to be cake, it could in fact probably write itself.

4. Cry. A Lot.
This is an absolute prerequisit of finishing that essay. If I know the time like I think I do, it should be close to midnight, probably about 10pm. It’s all down pat. The title that is, and a couple of notes which may sound incoherent when you read them back to yourself 35 times over, but… oh who are we kidding?

Okay, it’s around this time that I like to start regressing back to the terrible-twos. You know, crying, stamping your foot, throwing yourself on the ground and cursing about how stupid the assignment is. Because let’s be honest, essays are stupid and usually the questions are ambiguous. Stupid ambiguous essay, I’ll show him who’s boss. BOSS. 

I find that it’s usually a good idea to cry and call your bestfriend who is probably a frigging scholar by now. Cry to her/him. Cry and explain your predicament about how you worked so frigging hard on this assignment all day long and how it’s not fair and that probably you’re not cut out for university and you’re too stupid.

Sob now; it helps, get it out. There, there.

5. Panic.
Panic is a great motivator. Trust me, it’s my specialty.

So you rush around to the databases provided by your school. Read a couple abstracts, download the PDFs, skim read for anything to support your horribly baseless essay argument, apply your quotes, start the word countdown game, probably by updating your countless friends on facebook of your progress despite the fact that nobody cares… Oh, actually that was rude of me; of course they care about your academic progress. Get your 1500 words together, string them together, make them flow…or something, repeat if necessary, just with different words, wrap it up like a nice neat little package… Shove it all together, apply your stupid references in the stupid references section, put your cover page on, email it through at 11:59pm and not a little friggin’ second before.

Now just sit back and marvel at your own sheer friggin’ brilliance. 
Oh, hang on… you might like to reconsider that in case you are happy to find the 18 typos, 2 unfinished sentences, the paragraph that looks like a crayon drawing of your family from when you were six and… and of course… the notes at the bottom that you forgot to backspace…
But hey, you effectively completed it. You wrote 1500 words – they may not be coherent and may just be nonsensical, but there are 1500 words. Well done, give yourself a pat on the back.

Movies Without Pity Review #3 – Valkyrie

Each time I think of this movie’s title I start singing in this amazing voice not at all dissimilar to the late and great Amy Winehouse, “why don’t you come on over Valkyrieeee” if only the movie was as good as the song.
Oh Valkyrie, what might one say about you. Not a lot, surprisingly.
Let me start by saying that, I’m not a Tom Cruise fan, shocking and controversial, I know… Kinda sucks considering the whole movie is based around his goofy character.

It could be because Oprah likes him so much and I make it my business to like nothing that Oprah likes, including the use of loud wrestler and boxing announcer’s voices. It could also just be on account of his thin, villianous lips and a penchant for leading us all to his home planet… It could also just be because he called Matt Lauer, ‘glib’ or… oh wait, hang on, that’s one of the reasons why I put him back on my Christmas card list… Well anyway, the possibilities are just endless!

Oh yeah, the movie… so it’s based on a true story, apparently. See, I wouldn’t know. You know why I wouldn’t know? Because this story and the other 15 that went along with it of the same vain never quite made it to the history books. Generally when it comes to things that change history, they are successful ventures, political downfalls, uprisings that are fulfilled, discovered lands and much, much more. They don’t write books about the first man that almost landed on the moon… Or the time Rosa Parks almost sat at the front of the bus, but didn’t because she was 3 minutes late and missed it… Don’t worry, you’ll soon see where I’m headed with my point…
The story goes like this…
Tom Cruise and his homies are part of the SS. He gets in to a nasty little fight with a grenade or a bomb or a very citric lemon early on in the movie and ends up looking like a dorky pirate having to wear an eye patch. I think the lemon’s acidity must have been extremely toxic because it took with it a couple of necessary fingers too and later in the movie this impedes his ability to receive the phone calls and urgent memos that Hitler was actually still unscathed after his disasterous efforts to take us back to his home planet destroy him.
So backing up a bit, he and his mates have this plan of granduer to overthrow Hitler. They devise a bomb, meet once a month like Homer and his stone cutter buddies, and drink and be merry, oh and try to figure out a way to kill the Führer (Hitler). They have this apparently failsafe plan… kind of like the plan I had when I was 14 to dress up in a dog suit and knock on the door of Taylor Hanson and convince him that I was a stray dog and he’d have to keep me… Just kidding….
It wasn’t when I was 14. It was like, last week. (also wasn’t Taylor Hanson either.)
Oh right, so I can’t remember how, probably because I was busy counting stitches while I was knittng my boyfriend a royal purple pair of pants and matching vest, but Cruisy and his best homie manage to hold a meeting with Hitler, and place the bomb strategically under a desk. Apparently they planned this very carefully. And it was failsafe too, kinda like of like the plan I had when I was 16 to — oh, nevermind. The bomb blew up, thankfully Popeye got out of there in a timely manner lest he lose another eye. He got the reserve army ready, wanted them to start uprising… or something.
But wait, oh wait, what’s that? Hitler’s not dead. He didn’t die… or did he?
Yes he is! How could he survive a bomb of that calibre going off right in his face?
He totally got the dead, I told myself. Tom was busy telling everyone else that too, and if I know my Tom Cruise like I think I do, which clearly I do; I know he’d never lie. I have no reason to distrust this man.
But wait a little gosh darn second now, doesn’t this conflict with history as I know it? And if I know my history like I might have done if I studied it back in 1997… well then, I couldn’t be wrong either. I said to myself, I said “Selfy, didn’t Hitler do himself in?” Of course I would never lie to me…
Tom Cruise, you lying bastard!
Hitler was not only a tyrant, a mass murderer, a beholder of just one testicle and a maniac, but he also had the strength of a super hero. He survived with just a cut and a bruise.
And boy oh boy, weren’t Tom Cruise and his homies in trouble.
They all got shot in the head and became another tally beside the other 15 attempts of Hitler’s assassination. Seriously, with those odds, I’m suprised even Hitler was successful.
And it ended. What an epic fail from all aspects. 
And the take home message I want to leave you all with is this; Tom Cruise is a filthy, dirty liar and Oprah Winfrey makes me mad.