Movies Without Pity Review #3 – Valkyrie

Each time I think of this movie’s title I start singing in this amazing voice not at all dissimilar to the late and great Amy Winehouse, “why don’t you come on over Valkyrieeee” if only the movie was as good as the song.
Oh Valkyrie, what might one say about you. Not a lot, surprisingly.
Let me start by saying that, I’m not a Tom Cruise fan, shocking and controversial, I know… Kinda sucks considering the whole movie is based around his goofy character.

It could be because Oprah likes him so much and I make it my business to like nothing that Oprah likes, including the use of loud wrestler and boxing announcer’s voices. It could also just be on account of his thin, villianous lips and a penchant for leading us all to his home planet… It could also just be because he called Matt Lauer, ‘glib’ or… oh wait, hang on, that’s one of the reasons why I put him back on my Christmas card list… Well anyway, the possibilities are just endless!

Oh yeah, the movie… so it’s based on a true story, apparently. See, I wouldn’t know. You know why I wouldn’t know? Because this story and the other 15 that went along with it of the same vain never quite made it to the history books. Generally when it comes to things that change history, they are successful ventures, political downfalls, uprisings that are fulfilled, discovered lands and much, much more. They don’t write books about the first man that almost landed on the moon… Or the time Rosa Parks almost sat at the front of the bus, but didn’t because she was 3 minutes late and missed it… Don’t worry, you’ll soon see where I’m headed with my point…
The story goes like this…
Tom Cruise and his homies are part of the SS. He gets in to a nasty little fight with a grenade or a bomb or a very citric lemon early on in the movie and ends up looking like a dorky pirate having to wear an eye patch. I think the lemon’s acidity must have been extremely toxic because it took with it a couple of necessary fingers too and later in the movie this impedes his ability to receive the phone calls and urgent memos that Hitler was actually still unscathed after his disasterous efforts to take us back to his home planet destroy him.
So backing up a bit, he and his mates have this plan of granduer to overthrow Hitler. They devise a bomb, meet once a month like Homer and his stone cutter buddies, and drink and be merry, oh and try to figure out a way to kill the Führer (Hitler). They have this apparently failsafe plan… kind of like the plan I had when I was 14 to dress up in a dog suit and knock on the door of Taylor Hanson and convince him that I was a stray dog and he’d have to keep me… Just kidding….
It wasn’t when I was 14. It was like, last week. (also wasn’t Taylor Hanson either.)
Oh right, so I can’t remember how, probably because I was busy counting stitches while I was knittng my boyfriend a royal purple pair of pants and matching vest, but Cruisy and his best homie manage to hold a meeting with Hitler, and place the bomb strategically under a desk. Apparently they planned this very carefully. And it was failsafe too, kinda like of like the plan I had when I was 16 to — oh, nevermind. The bomb blew up, thankfully Popeye got out of there in a timely manner lest he lose another eye. He got the reserve army ready, wanted them to start uprising… or something.
But wait, oh wait, what’s that? Hitler’s not dead. He didn’t die… or did he?
Yes he is! How could he survive a bomb of that calibre going off right in his face?
He totally got the dead, I told myself. Tom was busy telling everyone else that too, and if I know my Tom Cruise like I think I do, which clearly I do; I know he’d never lie. I have no reason to distrust this man.
But wait a little gosh darn second now, doesn’t this conflict with history as I know it? And if I know my history like I might have done if I studied it back in 1997… well then, I couldn’t be wrong either. I said to myself, I said “Selfy, didn’t Hitler do himself in?” Of course I would never lie to me…
Tom Cruise, you lying bastard!
Hitler was not only a tyrant, a mass murderer, a beholder of just one testicle and a maniac, but he also had the strength of a super hero. He survived with just a cut and a bruise.
And boy oh boy, weren’t Tom Cruise and his homies in trouble.
They all got shot in the head and became another tally beside the other 15 attempts of Hitler’s assassination. Seriously, with those odds, I’m suprised even Hitler was successful.
And it ended. What an epic fail from all aspects. 
And the take home message I want to leave you all with is this; Tom Cruise is a filthy, dirty liar and Oprah Winfrey makes me mad.
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10 Comments

  1. LOL you are hilarious. reminds me of that sideshow bob quote something likethey dont give out the nobel prize for ATTEMPTED chemistry, now do they? (i think its cos he gets mad that he is in jail for 'attempted' murder) loland hey whats this about a boyfriend? a little something I should know about hhhhmmmmmmmzzz? ;)just messin with you. glad your back on track with uni sweety. I wont bother you for skype till you are on your break. p.s i agree. oprah is a total asshat.

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  2. Not sure how to take that … is this a serious review?The film itself has several flaws, sure – the decision to have no one speak with German accents is an odd one, and took me out of the movie a bit at least. But the comments on the story itself are interesting. This is actually a true, and important story. Claus von Stauffenberg was a man who, with others made a stand against one of the worst regimes in human history. He showed that not all of Germany supported those crimes, and yes, they did 'try' and do something. He was coldly executed for that effort, and his family had to flee and live in hiding.Moreover, his brother was executed in one the worst ways I've ever heard. 200 other co-conspiritors / suspected conspiritors were executed after sham trials, and Hitler used the attempt as an excuse to send 20000 Germans to either concentration camps or their deaths for 'suspected' opposition to him.Granted – the movie doesn't go into that detail, but it did prompt at least one person to check it and learn a little of our past. Maybe others too? Lest we forget.I'm sure the flick could have been better in an entertainment sense – but I'm not sure the basis of the story is deserving of…. mockery? Save that for Oprah, yeah? :-/Scottie.B (Who although never tries to be argumentative, seems to always be anyways… sigh)

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  3. … Oh, hey there! Thanks for the History lesson and Uncle Dad.I'm a world war II buff, Scott. I know the story. I know the seriousness of it. But you are right about one thing, the movie have several flaws. The biggest being Tom Cruise. We both know you read this and know it was not a serious review. Hence the title is "Movies Without Pity" … Why would I save mockery for Oprah? Since when does she make things in to a mockery? She turns everything in to a conversation about her childhood problems and yo-yo dieting.Oops… there I go again… I should watch what I say. Seriously…

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  4. Also… did you feel a soft breeze going over your head that parted your hair in a funny way? … hmm.

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  5. Sigh … poor Tom. He kinda looked like the real guy at least…Always a challenge when they try to make films where the outcome is already known long before the story starts – just found the way you took to it… odd (shrugs)

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  6. I have a buzz cut… no breeze can part my hair ;-)… maybe an axe …

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  7. So anyway,BB — sorry, I missed your comment lovely. The boyfriend thing was just creative licence, don't get your pantaloons in a twist. Also, I love that episode of the Simpsons 😀

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  8. hahahaha, this is the funniest movie review i've ever read! i haven't seen valkyrie, but i have heard of the basic plot. i guess i'll watch it sometime when i have nothing else to do…<3, Mimihttp://whatmimiwrites.blogspot.com/

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  9. Mimi you should watch it as an alternative to watching paint dry… No wait, second thoughts, go with the paint.

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  10. wow there are soooo many things I want to say right now….I don't think I should lest I get myself in trouble. I think you know where I am going with this! I will say however top review written in your usual incredibly funny and articulate way!! I am so glad I don't have a pole or some other spikey implement stuck up my arse otherwise I would have misconstrued what you were doing with this review….oh crap did I really type that? And I was so going to be a good girl…oh well at least I stopped there!More importantly I need to know 2 things..1 what exactly WERE you knitting?? and 2 who's place DID you turn up to dressed as the dog?? I think I read something about that in the newspaper.."woman stalks…" I don't know, something! Love you girl your reviews are the best and have me doubled over laughing…I think that may even be what was intended….

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