5 Ways To Effectively Finish That 1500w Essay Before that Pesky Due Date.

1. Become a domestic Godess
Oh sure, cleaning is a favourite pastime of mine, right up there next to watching Startrek reruns and paperslitting my eyeballs. You can obviously see why this would be an imperative part of the process of completing an amazing, well-researched and educated essay before the due date. I like to start by making sure that all of my clothes are put neatly in to my wardrobe, but that’s just me, you might like to start somewhere else. Then I like to make sure everything in my bedroom is sitting at a perpendicular angle, again this is just what I prefer everybody has their own equally effective method. While doing this, it’s a great idea to also rifle through that top “junk” drawer and go through all of my legal documents to double check the personal information of that identity I am assuming in case of a close brush with the law crap. 
You might like to vacuum, lest any flecks of dust from my floor may spring up and get caught in your eye thus preventing you from being able to look at the monitor to type out the assignment. You should dust everything as well, you know, just in case you inhale dust particles and end up with a cough and need to lay down which again could prevent you from actually getting the work done.

A fresh smelling work space is an effective work space, remember that. I find it’s a good idea to move around my furniture too and even on some occasions there is a very strong necessity for new furniture – this is purely for OH&S of course. It’s right to be ergonomically correct.

After you’ve spent around 3-10 hours on this task, you should be almost ready to get writing!

2. Masterchef
In order to get your brain energised and ready to expend it’s full and overflowing intellectual capacity upon the clean white slate of MS Word, you’ll probably like me, need to make something to eat.

This is actually an excellent chance to use that slow-cooker that you bought 3 years ago and haven’t used once. Also, you’ve got to go get some meat to braise from scratch, so probably best to take a trip to the grocery store… Oh, and also, there’s that list of necessary items that should be picked up that should read something like this; chocolate, chips, chocolate, crackers, chocolate, sour cream, chips and sour cream… Also there’s this new hair stuff you’ve been meaning to try….

I’m not stupid, I know there’s no point in trying to study on an empty tummy, so it’s probably a good idea to wait for that meat to braise which should be done almost in time for dinner.

And you know what? … After that it will be almost time to start on that essay that is due at around midnight.

3. Researching

Everyone knows that the key to a fantastic paper is a well-researched one. Heck, I know this… that’s basically why the internet was invented – so that the information is at my fingertips… right? … Well, besides porn that is, but alas, that’s another story.

So in order to get some opinions on where to look for the information about your essay’s subject, its probably a very good idea to ask your friends collectively over Facebook and also to send an SOS tweet out so that one of your many friends may be able to help with opinions and ideas! Social networking is much more reliable than it was before when it was all about myspace, you see.

It’s okay to have a conversation on Facebook chat with one of your uni friends about the woes of your assignment and ask for his or her pointers – and you better listen to her or his woes in return – its only fair. While doing that, it might be shrewd to update your Facebook profile picture, as it probably will entice people to come to your profile and have a look at the SOS note you posted for help with your research.

Let your friend talk about their assignment while you take a couple of super awesome shots with your web cam, camera phone or whatever device is necessary. Upload, and let those friends flock to you with their unending wealth of knowledge and reliability!

This baby is actually going to be cake, it could in fact probably write itself.

4. Cry. A Lot.
This is an absolute prerequisit of finishing that essay. If I know the time like I think I do, it should be close to midnight, probably about 10pm. It’s all down pat. The title that is, and a couple of notes which may sound incoherent when you read them back to yourself 35 times over, but… oh who are we kidding?

Okay, it’s around this time that I like to start regressing back to the terrible-twos. You know, crying, stamping your foot, throwing yourself on the ground and cursing about how stupid the assignment is. Because let’s be honest, essays are stupid and usually the questions are ambiguous. Stupid ambiguous essay, I’ll show him who’s boss. BOSS. 

I find that it’s usually a good idea to cry and call your bestfriend who is probably a frigging scholar by now. Cry to her/him. Cry and explain your predicament about how you worked so frigging hard on this assignment all day long and how it’s not fair and that probably you’re not cut out for university and you’re too stupid.

Sob now; it helps, get it out. There, there.

5. Panic.
Panic is a great motivator. Trust me, it’s my specialty.

So you rush around to the databases provided by your school. Read a couple abstracts, download the PDFs, skim read for anything to support your horribly baseless essay argument, apply your quotes, start the word countdown game, probably by updating your countless friends on facebook of your progress despite the fact that nobody cares… Oh, actually that was rude of me; of course they care about your academic progress. Get your 1500 words together, string them together, make them flow…or something, repeat if necessary, just with different words, wrap it up like a nice neat little package… Shove it all together, apply your stupid references in the stupid references section, put your cover page on, email it through at 11:59pm and not a little friggin’ second before.

Now just sit back and marvel at your own sheer friggin’ brilliance. 
Oh, hang on… you might like to reconsider that in case you are happy to find the 18 typos, 2 unfinished sentences, the paragraph that looks like a crayon drawing of your family from when you were six and… and of course… the notes at the bottom that you forgot to backspace…
But hey, you effectively completed it. You wrote 1500 words – they may not be coherent and may just be nonsensical, but there are 1500 words. Well done, give yourself a pat on the back.
Leave a comment


  1. Sounds about right. haha The panic part is spot on. I did that 99% of the time. If I had to submit online, it was the last second. If I had to submit in class….last minute or even late to class because I had to run to the library to print. haha

  2. Hahaha u said u were gonna put this up. It basically sums up my entire university life. Mine involved video games eating watching TV "for research purposes" of course and playing sport, for the same reasons u need to cook. xxx bb

  3. Tana, despite how hard I try, its pretty much how most of my essays turn out as well… last minute panic, crying… as I so well-demonstrated last week hahaha.BB– haha I am partial to the odd video game as well as you may h ave figured out 🙂 x

  4. Good one Jess


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