5 Things I’ve Learned From Facebook

1. The people who keep adding me from Highschool aren’t really interested in being my friend.
I know you are shocked and appalled by the mere suggestion that people could just want to add me for the sake of being nosey, but I have it on good authority that it is true. I have a little story to share. It starts off with one of the prettiest girls from school adding me to Facebook. I knew her since I was a little kid, but she conveniently forgot that I existed after 6th grade. That’s just fine, I didn’t really like her snot nose anyway. She added me and I accepted out of nothing more than a fleeting feeling of obligation. I sent her an obligatory “hello and thanks for the add, long time no see…” message on her wall.
Imagine my surprise when she didn’t respond. More than 2 weeks passed and not once did she comment on, reply to or seem vaguely interested in my life. So I did what any disgruntled former-acquaintence would do, I deleted her ass.
Fast-forward 2 months later and she adds me again! I figured that maybe I deleted her prematurely and that she was possibly going to say something but just didn’t remember. I added her, I left her the exactly same message, only because I forgot that I left it the first time. Her page is rife with bullshit posts from the same girls that I once considered my friends. And low and behold, no response. What a surprise! … She made a post about a TV show that I watch, I commented. She replied to everyone else but me. What the frickity frack?
So I deleted her. I was sick of looking at her annoying updates anyway. Imagine my sheer, unfiltered, blinding rage when she went to add me a third time. Take. A. Friggin’ Hint. I was so annoyed this time, that I accepted her. I gave her a three day grace period and in that time nothing was posted. So I sent her a private message that read as follows;
“Seriously, what the hell do you want?”
No response. I deleted her and blocked her stupid ass.
Do you know how many times I’ve added people to my Facebook and they have not once responded to a single thing I’ve written? Mostly these are high school friends who want nothing more to nose through your shit so that they can make themselves feel better about their own crappy mediocre suburban lifestyles. Whatever bitch.
2. People are way more annoying than you could have ever imagined.
Some people have no concept of TMI. Sometimes this is acceptable because their TMI is actually funny and witty and isn’t attention-seeking or laced with ambiguously veiled insults toward someone of whom they have no balls to confront personally.
Now, I don’t want to be a hypocrite here, so I will put my hand up to recognise that I, on occasion have posted a slip-up emo post or something that perhaps hasn’t tried to garner attention, but rather express myself aptly. Though, my friends on my Facebook page are carefully divided up in to categories from Close friends and family, to acquaintences, to high school ‘friends’, to fandom friends and more – this is a great method of regulating what certain people can see. When posting personal things, I usually leave access only to close friends and family, the rest cannot see. Maybe it would do those who don’t know me very well to take a leaf out of my book and do the same. Honestly, I don’t want to watch your domestic affairs unfold over a Facebook status … okay maybe I do, maybe it’s a little comical to me, but that is beside the point.
I can’t handle it when people type ambiguous or leading statuses in order to lure their friends in to asking what is wrong – the questions and concerns will go completely ignored until the person feels like changing or deleting said status.
Oh, the “I’m so friggin’ amazing and drunk” status updates. You know, instead of trying to convince your entire friend’s list of how much of a good time you are having, why don’t you actually stop updating your page and go out and actually have one.
I’m not against anyone who has children and in fact, I love kids… but I don’t want to read about your baby taking a dump for the first time it coughed and farted at the same time. I understand it’s exciting and that you want to share everything because your baby is delightful and amazing, really I do… but seriously… take away users whinging about how hard done by their lives are and the kid talking and Facebook would be a friggin’ ghost town.
3. Men from India and Africa really like me…
I don’t know how many times I have been friend-requested by men who live in India and Africa. They usually send a friend request and I usually send a message asking, “Why are you trying to add me, do you think you know me?” (Knowing very well, of course, that they do not) and I am met with responses like, “You are very beautiful,,, I would like to be friends.” 
Get lost.
4. People have a lot of spare time to play a lot of annoying games.
Hey I am not judging anyone. Before you go and question whether or not I have anything better to do than to write blogs about insufferable movies and why social network annoys me, let me just stop you – No, I don’t.
I too have a lot of spare time.
But what annoys me is having to constantly wade through a bunch of bullshit posts on my Facebook feed in order to get to find out what is actually news with my friends… But I usually don’t get too excited since generally news is people posting about how much their lives suck or how many times their kid pooped that day… but still… How many flash-based games can one be addicted to!?
5. People think that I care where they are at all times.
The check-in place option on Facebook further perpetuates a society that no longer understands the need for privacy. I think I’ve used Facebook check-in a handful of times, usually as a joke. I remember sitting in the car with a friend once, checking in from various false and outrageous locations while giggling madly. A talent agency, a golf course at 8pm, the local ambulance station, the freeway – but I could probably count on my fingers how many times I’ve used it in seriousness.
I don’t mind that people use it, but it’s the level of use that annoys me. I have a particular contact who uses facebook check-in to share her visits to a fast food restaurant. I know that she goes to this particular restaurant more than 5 times a week. Really? Is that something you want people to know? If you’re somewhere special, then fine… I can understand the excitement. If I were in Seattle right now, like I dream of being, then I would be definitely checking-in.
But a visit to the local shopping centre? A walk down the street? Giving the exact coordinates / map while at a friends place? Seriously? I would take up serious issue with any friend of mine who shares the exact coordinates of where I live by checking in from my house.
No one cares where you are every day except you, man!
Well this has been fun. I think I’ll go eat some mayonnaise.

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11 Comments

  1. Dear Jess,This made me laugh. So bad. Mainly because i'm guilty of some items u mention. Oh except im not an indian man who wants to get to know u.But let's not go into specifics.That is all.Hana.

    Reply
  2. Haha Hana, if you have committed any of these facebook crimes, I promise you that I havent noticed so you must be doing OK… its the school friends thing that mostly bothers me. I stopped accepting them. ARE you an indian man? Youre right, we better not get in to specifics, theres a lot of thingws you dont want to know about me.

    Reply
  3. You forgot #6- I don't give a shit about your kids. XDKudos to this post.

    Reply
  4. I thought I covered that in #3??? lol

    Reply
  5. Loved it like I love a steaming bag of penises and vaginas 🙂

    Reply
  6. Hey Jess… funny stuff! And the best part it's all true. We can all relate to it as I see by the previous comments, except maybe for the steaming bag of penises and vaginas… you do seem to attract 'Those types' but I guess that's your burdon you will just have to bare. May you have many Indian children and please don't forget to feed the elephant. x

    Reply
  7. Steph (I guess that's steph?? lol) … I am glad you love steamed bags of penises and vaginas. Bep, Thanks I knew I could count on you for well wishes.

    Reply
  8. haha many of my facebook 'friends' do most or at least one of the things that you've listed…I can think of another that annoys the hell out of me, the desperate for attention BF posts & changing your relationship status more than you change your undies lol I can't stand the 'I miss my boi so much!' (after one day, seariously??)status' or the ott 'i love him soo much' after they've been dating for like 5 seconds lolGreat blog post! 😛

    Reply
  9. Hey Ev,I am sick of seeing that too… lol. But, I remembered how exciting and giddy it was to be in a new relationship. But yeah, writing things so prematurely is so ridiculous.. Im so against the changing of relationship statuses after what happened to me the last time hhaha… its so pathetic that a relationship is defined by OH WE MUST bE OFFICIAL HE REQUESTED ME TO CONFIRM OUR RELATIONSHIP ON FB!!!!!!!!!!! Thats why Ill always stay married to my bestie… its easier that way 😀

    Reply
  10. lol yeah that's true, it is exciting…but at the same time you just wish people wouldn't having a running commentary on everything they and their 'boi' does lolgood move!…I wonder if you can change your relationship status to being married to yourself! lmao

    Reply
  11. Formidable! La Totalidad De la texto que has redactado
    me resulta de abrymadora asistencia! Sencillamente Estoy deseando ser capaz ojear un poco mas.

    Reply

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