5 Things That You Don’t Want To Hear When You’re Upset

So hey, you know when you’re in one of those moods where you are angry/emotional/down over something and just the sound of someone else breathing through their nose can unhinge you and turn you from being a dainty, saintly demure person in to a ravenous monster in half a second? 

Yeah? … Well here is a list of 5 things that you do not want someone to say to you in a half-arsed effort to comfort you. And to any offenders of these five things, you should know that you are a terrible, terrible person and chances are you probably have little to no social skills – or friends. And you know what? For good reason too.
1. Don’t worry about it. 

Oh, ohhhhh! you’ve just aired your entire heart to someone after their endless prompting despite your overwhelming and personal desire to deal with things in your own way, you were told, “don’t worry about it”. What an ideal, coffee-cup solution that quite frankly, is just so genius that you wish that you had thought of it yourself! 

Okay, right. That pearl of wisdom has just removed the problem entirely from your life and already you are probably feeling so much better. Thank you, no really. Thank you.
2. I know how you feel. 
This comforting little ditty is usually a cleverly masked way of diverting your attention from your own problems to their own, rather than trying to hear you out. This bold (and usually wildly untrue) statement will probably be followed up with “Because when I….” and suffixed with a pathetic story that relates to you only in that, you are both the same sex and maybe have the same eye-colour. This kind of “advice” further perpetuates a firm belief I have that people love the sound of their own voices. 

What you really want to say to this self-indulgent asshole is this; “No you don’t. You have no idea about how I feel – how on earth can you compare the time you anxiously broke it to your boyfriend’s best friend that you could no longer keep up the affair to my pain of losing my grand father in a freak accident involving a poorly constructed human catapult and a brick wall with spikes?!”

And you know what, jerk? Sometimes, just sometimes, I don’t want to talk about you – I want to talk about me and I understand that obviously to you, that’s too much to ask!”
3. Don’t cry, it’ll be OK.
Oh really? I will be okay? Do you mean it?
Oh thank goodness, for a moment there I was concerned that I might die of spontaneous combustion for these bitter tears are but little droplets of TNT threatening to detonate at any sudden flirtation with the epidermis! Whew, that was a bit touch and go for a second there.
Of course I’ll be okay, dumb ass.  

In the meantime, though, while you get the hell away from me before I inflict irreparable damage, I will reflect on how crying makes me feel better. And you? You should reflect on, and recognize the fact that you are actually just a crap friend who becomes uncomfortable at the sight of tears and your vague attempts at compassion can be likened to “comforting” someone by smoothing their hair.

From the other side of the room. 

With a broom. 

4. Just think though, there is always someone worse off.
That’s nice, you’ve just bared your entire soul to some insensitive dip shit and they have basically said to you in no uncertain terms; “stop being a selfish brat, your problems are bullshit and I don’t want to hear about them.”
Of course there will always be someone worse off, but currently I possess all of my limbs, and am not living below the poverty line (unless you count that week in May this year where I took part in a poverty fundraiser) so you’ll have to forgive me if I find it very hard to have the foresight in whatever devastation I am basking in, to appreciate these facts. 

In seriousness, people can only appreciate pain by what is within their realm of understanding. To be cliché, a person’s broken leg could be another person’s sore toe. Pain is relative to what you have lived – if the worst pain you have ever been through is a parental divorce, then of course that pain is going to be on par with someone who might have lost the ability to walk – of course they are two extreme things, but in terms of the worst thing either person has dealt with, its relative, isn’t it? 

Everyone’s pain is real to them. 
As the great and wise Ally McBeal once said, “You know what makes my problem’s bigger than everybody else’s? … They’re mine.
5. Try to remember the important things! Health, family, friends.
Mate, the only thing I think we need to remember here is that I am your friend, and you are failing at being mine. It’s kind of hard to remember anything while I am being cloaked by this blinding, unfiltered rage that consumed me when your lack-of-compassion left your body in the form of A STUPID STATEMENT THAT BY THE WAY, JUST MADE ME EVEN MORE UPSET.
Important things important things important things… oh yeah, I’ll remember to go make some new friends. 

Good advice.

And so there you have it friends… what are some of the dopey shit people have offered to you when you’ve been upset?

5 Things That I’ve Learned From Watching X-Factor Australia


If X-Factor has taught me nothing at all (which really, it hasn’t) it has instilled within me some very important take-home lessons of which I will share with you right now so that you might be able to also take them home with you and of course, apply them to your life – or something.

You are welcome, my friend.

1. Quips, clichés and hypocrisy are necessary for good judging.

In order to properly hand out a scorecard, it is imperative for each judge to squeeze out at least one pathetic cliché at any point during the show that I suspect has been carefully rationed to them by the producers. I suspect that these cheesy clichés are hand-written and tossed in to the sweaty baseball cap of a crew member that the judges have hidden under the table just to raise the bar on the quality of judgment in order for them to give a very honest performance while on live TV. Basically, it’s just another way in which the judges can fill their TV time with really nothing constructive at all.

Hey you know what, just cos you don’t feel it, Natalie Basthingthonwaithe doesn’t mean it wasn’t good. And just because you think they upped the ante, Mel B, doesn’t mean your sub-par contestant actually showcased anything new.

Oh and the hypocrisy. One group sounds like shit yada yada and they shouldn’t be surprised if they are in the bottom two on Monday Night so the judges can lament about what a huge shock it is! But then it’s okay that Talentless Ted over there sings like a drowning seahorse… yes, I understand what an oxymoron a drowning seahorse is, but that should further highlight the point I am making. After all, singing like a drowning seahorse is what this competition is all about!

That leads me to my second point.

2. When contestants have to “sing for their life” on Monday nights, it shouldn’t be taken literally.

I’m not an unreasonable kind of person (though I have been prone to introducing myself to strangers as Queen Jessica of The Isle of Awesome now and then, yet that’s really neither here nor there) but I would appreciate if these “reality” type TV shows would be a little clearer and cease the use of so many disappointing metaphors.

At least, I think that when Luke Jacob’s tells us that the singer is about to sing for their life that it is indeed a metaphor.

I say this because (and with a small hint of regret) I have yet to see a sniper appear on the stage with a sawn-off shot-gun threatening to pop someone who does not sing with truth and honesty or who has failed to up the ante and prove that their life is worth sparing.

Although, perhaps if it were literal it would make things a little more interesting…

3. Contrary to the judges understanding, there can only be one winner of X-Factor.

So… if I could have 10 dollars for each time one of the judges touted a (fairly mediocre) contestant as a “talent that could win this competition!” I’d probably have a fair bit of money – I wouldn’t obviously be rich, cos it’s only a 13 week competition and they might only say it about 3 times an episode and that’s around $60 per week… I don’t know… you do the maths, I’m just saying. I wouldn’t be able to buy a mansion or anything, maybe just like a nice dinner in an overpriced restaurant where there is a French Maitre De who has a handlebar mustache that he twirls at least once every five minutes. This restaurant would mask itself as being of high quality and fine-dining but it would probably end up as a subject of a Gordon Ramsey, “Kitchen Nightmares” episode …

Oh wait, I digress.

So yeah, imagine my surprise when I came to find out that after the 68 long episodes of terrible auditions and judges inflating the egos of many a crap singer by telling them they are going to go, really, really far, that only one person can win this competition. Imagine my surprise when all of those “talents” who apparently had the spuds to win were turned down and kicked out by the judges!

It felt like that time my parents sat down and told me that I was adopted and they didn’t like me Santa Claus wasn’t real. It is ALL lies.

…Or maybe the judges just don’t know the rules of the show? Who knows…

4. X-Factor Contestants Probably Smell Like BO. True Story.

The above statement may or may not be true. I don’t like to pick at threads or draw attention to monetary and fiduciary issues but maybe we should start a good old fashioned cake stall for the contestants.


Well… that is a very good question and I am glad you asked. It would seem as though X-Factor’s wardrobe department is currently dealing with a shortage of weekly costumes. This is pretty much the only conclusion I can come up with, since I have observed each week with my keen eye for detail, that the contestants wear the same outfit on both the Sunday and the Monday! Well, the contestants who are in the bottom two, that is.

Is it because they can’t afford something different? and in which case, is a cake stall or a fun run a better way to raise money in order to help such a cause…. But if it isn’t that, then maybe it is that X-Factor producers decided to make the losers who will be singing for their life (but not in front of a sniper with a sawn-off shotgun see; Exhibit 2.) feel like crap by wearing the same, sweaty outfit so to remind them of the smell of the previous night’s failed performance?

Who knows, but they probably smell. This is a bold assumption based on absolutely no education or evidence, but I assure you it is very accurate.

5. Apparently in order to be a successful female singer you have to wear as little as possible.

Over the course of the competition I have watched Sofia wear less and less. Tayla was constantly looking like a 50s pin-up girl, Cleo was encouraged by her “mentor” to get out of her own style and in to something more “sexy” despite her obvious discomfort with it. Apparently showing skin is more important than your ability to sing.

Honestly, I understand how important this is, considering how a lot of males have the attention span of tree stumps and their need to be visually stimulated far outweighs the need to be aurally stimulated – but in which case, maybe they could have Australian Porn Star or a new variation of X-Factor … maybe SEX-Factor… Perhaps that would be more appropriate.

Maybe the female mentors might want to teach them a little more about the value of actually putting on clothes, rather than encourage them to perform in various stages of undress.

But hey, maybe that’s just me.

There you have it — five important lessons from thanks to our very good friends at X-Factor.