5 Things That You Don’t Want To Hear When You’re Upset

So hey, you know when you’re in one of those moods where you are angry/emotional/down over something and just the sound of someone else breathing through their nose can unhinge you and turn you from being a dainty, saintly demure person in to a ravenous monster in half a second? 

Yeah? … Well here is a list of 5 things that you do not want someone to say to you in a half-arsed effort to comfort you. And to any offenders of these five things, you should know that you are a terrible, terrible person and chances are you probably have little to no social skills – or friends. And you know what? For good reason too.
1. Don’t worry about it. 

Oh, ohhhhh! you’ve just aired your entire heart to someone after their endless prompting despite your overwhelming and personal desire to deal with things in your own way, you were told, “don’t worry about it”. What an ideal, coffee-cup solution that quite frankly, is just so genius that you wish that you had thought of it yourself! 

Okay, right. That pearl of wisdom has just removed the problem entirely from your life and already you are probably feeling so much better. Thank you, no really. Thank you.
2. I know how you feel. 
This comforting little ditty is usually a cleverly masked way of diverting your attention from your own problems to their own, rather than trying to hear you out. This bold (and usually wildly untrue) statement will probably be followed up with “Because when I….” and suffixed with a pathetic story that relates to you only in that, you are both the same sex and maybe have the same eye-colour. This kind of “advice” further perpetuates a firm belief I have that people love the sound of their own voices. 

What you really want to say to this self-indulgent asshole is this; “No you don’t. You have no idea about how I feel – how on earth can you compare the time you anxiously broke it to your boyfriend’s best friend that you could no longer keep up the affair to my pain of losing my grand father in a freak accident involving a poorly constructed human catapult and a brick wall with spikes?!”

And you know what, jerk? Sometimes, just sometimes, I don’t want to talk about you – I want to talk about me and I understand that obviously to you, that’s too much to ask!”
3. Don’t cry, it’ll be OK.
Oh really? I will be okay? Do you mean it?
Oh thank goodness, for a moment there I was concerned that I might die of spontaneous combustion for these bitter tears are but little droplets of TNT threatening to detonate at any sudden flirtation with the epidermis! Whew, that was a bit touch and go for a second there.
Of course I’ll be okay, dumb ass.  

In the meantime, though, while you get the hell away from me before I inflict irreparable damage, I will reflect on how crying makes me feel better. And you? You should reflect on, and recognize the fact that you are actually just a crap friend who becomes uncomfortable at the sight of tears and your vague attempts at compassion can be likened to “comforting” someone by smoothing their hair.

From the other side of the room. 

With a broom. 

4. Just think though, there is always someone worse off.
That’s nice, you’ve just bared your entire soul to some insensitive dip shit and they have basically said to you in no uncertain terms; “stop being a selfish brat, your problems are bullshit and I don’t want to hear about them.”
Of course there will always be someone worse off, but currently I possess all of my limbs, and am not living below the poverty line (unless you count that week in May this year where I took part in a poverty fundraiser) so you’ll have to forgive me if I find it very hard to have the foresight in whatever devastation I am basking in, to appreciate these facts. 

In seriousness, people can only appreciate pain by what is within their realm of understanding. To be cliché, a person’s broken leg could be another person’s sore toe. Pain is relative to what you have lived – if the worst pain you have ever been through is a parental divorce, then of course that pain is going to be on par with someone who might have lost the ability to walk – of course they are two extreme things, but in terms of the worst thing either person has dealt with, its relative, isn’t it? 

Everyone’s pain is real to them. 
As the great and wise Ally McBeal once said, “You know what makes my problem’s bigger than everybody else’s? … They’re mine.
5. Try to remember the important things! Health, family, friends.
Mate, the only thing I think we need to remember here is that I am your friend, and you are failing at being mine. It’s kind of hard to remember anything while I am being cloaked by this blinding, unfiltered rage that consumed me when your lack-of-compassion left your body in the form of A STUPID STATEMENT THAT BY THE WAY, JUST MADE ME EVEN MORE UPSET.
Important things important things important things… oh yeah, I’ll remember to go make some new friends. 

Good advice.

And so there you have it friends… what are some of the dopey shit people have offered to you when you’ve been upset?