5 Things That I’ve Learned From Watching X-Factor Australia

 

If X-Factor has taught me nothing at all (which really, it hasn’t) it has instilled within me some very important take-home lessons of which I will share with you right now so that you might be able to also take them home with you and of course, apply them to your life – or something.

You are welcome, my friend.

1. Quips, clichés and hypocrisy are necessary for good judging.

In order to properly hand out a scorecard, it is imperative for each judge to squeeze out at least one pathetic cliché at any point during the show that I suspect has been carefully rationed to them by the producers. I suspect that these cheesy clichés are hand-written and tossed in to the sweaty baseball cap of a crew member that the judges have hidden under the table just to raise the bar on the quality of judgment in order for them to give a very honest performance while on live TV. Basically, it’s just another way in which the judges can fill their TV time with really nothing constructive at all.

Hey you know what, just cos you don’t feel it, Natalie Basthingthonwaithe doesn’t mean it wasn’t good. And just because you think they upped the ante, Mel B, doesn’t mean your sub-par contestant actually showcased anything new.

Oh and the hypocrisy. One group sounds like shit yada yada and they shouldn’t be surprised if they are in the bottom two on Monday Night so the judges can lament about what a huge shock it is! But then it’s okay that Talentless Ted over there sings like a drowning seahorse… yes, I understand what an oxymoron a drowning seahorse is, but that should further highlight the point I am making. After all, singing like a drowning seahorse is what this competition is all about!

That leads me to my second point.

2. When contestants have to “sing for their life” on Monday nights, it shouldn’t be taken literally.

I’m not an unreasonable kind of person (though I have been prone to introducing myself to strangers as Queen Jessica of The Isle of Awesome now and then, yet that’s really neither here nor there) but I would appreciate if these “reality” type TV shows would be a little clearer and cease the use of so many disappointing metaphors.

At least, I think that when Luke Jacob’s tells us that the singer is about to sing for their life that it is indeed a metaphor.

I say this because (and with a small hint of regret) I have yet to see a sniper appear on the stage with a sawn-off shot-gun threatening to pop someone who does not sing with truth and honesty or who has failed to up the ante and prove that their life is worth sparing.

Although, perhaps if it were literal it would make things a little more interesting…

3. Contrary to the judges understanding, there can only be one winner of X-Factor.

So… if I could have 10 dollars for each time one of the judges touted a (fairly mediocre) contestant as a “talent that could win this competition!” I’d probably have a fair bit of money – I wouldn’t obviously be rich, cos it’s only a 13 week competition and they might only say it about 3 times an episode and that’s around $60 per week… I don’t know… you do the maths, I’m just saying. I wouldn’t be able to buy a mansion or anything, maybe just like a nice dinner in an overpriced restaurant where there is a French Maitre De who has a handlebar mustache that he twirls at least once every five minutes. This restaurant would mask itself as being of high quality and fine-dining but it would probably end up as a subject of a Gordon Ramsey, “Kitchen Nightmares” episode …

Oh wait, I digress.

So yeah, imagine my surprise when I came to find out that after the 68 long episodes of terrible auditions and judges inflating the egos of many a crap singer by telling them they are going to go, really, really far, that only one person can win this competition. Imagine my surprise when all of those “talents” who apparently had the spuds to win were turned down and kicked out by the judges!

It felt like that time my parents sat down and told me that I was adopted and they didn’t like me Santa Claus wasn’t real. It is ALL lies.

…Or maybe the judges just don’t know the rules of the show? Who knows…

4. X-Factor Contestants Probably Smell Like BO. True Story.

The above statement may or may not be true. I don’t like to pick at threads or draw attention to monetary and fiduciary issues but maybe we should start a good old fashioned cake stall for the contestants.

Why?

Well… that is a very good question and I am glad you asked. It would seem as though X-Factor’s wardrobe department is currently dealing with a shortage of weekly costumes. This is pretty much the only conclusion I can come up with, since I have observed each week with my keen eye for detail, that the contestants wear the same outfit on both the Sunday and the Monday! Well, the contestants who are in the bottom two, that is.

Is it because they can’t afford something different? and in which case, is a cake stall or a fun run a better way to raise money in order to help such a cause…. But if it isn’t that, then maybe it is that X-Factor producers decided to make the losers who will be singing for their life (but not in front of a sniper with a sawn-off shotgun see; Exhibit 2.) feel like crap by wearing the same, sweaty outfit so to remind them of the smell of the previous night’s failed performance?

Who knows, but they probably smell. This is a bold assumption based on absolutely no education or evidence, but I assure you it is very accurate.

5. Apparently in order to be a successful female singer you have to wear as little as possible.

Over the course of the competition I have watched Sofia wear less and less. Tayla was constantly looking like a 50s pin-up girl, Cleo was encouraged by her “mentor” to get out of her own style and in to something more “sexy” despite her obvious discomfort with it. Apparently showing skin is more important than your ability to sing.

Honestly, I understand how important this is, considering how a lot of males have the attention span of tree stumps and their need to be visually stimulated far outweighs the need to be aurally stimulated – but in which case, maybe they could have Australian Porn Star or a new variation of X-Factor … maybe SEX-Factor… Perhaps that would be more appropriate.

Maybe the female mentors might want to teach them a little more about the value of actually putting on clothes, rather than encourage them to perform in various stages of undress.

But hey, maybe that’s just me.

There you have it — five important lessons from thanks to our very good friends at X-Factor.