The Brave & The Bold: Melinda Tankard-Reist.

I have a great respect for those who go against the grain, who are strong enough in their convictions to stand up for what they believe in regardless of the cost. No one makes positive changes in the world without making some enemies or facing some discouraging attacks.

About two years ago (or around about) I was going through a break up with a guy who I truly had hoped was ‘the one.’ For a number of reasons, I can see now that he was not — but I was in a deep grief over the way that this person cruelly broke up with me. I was in the middle of a blame game because the person couldn’t do me the justice of ever giving me a real reason and release my heart in a normal and humane way.

There were a number of things in my mind that I could chalk up to the reason as to why he left me. And of course, I put all of those things on myself. Did I do something wrong? Was I not enough for him? Did I not love him enough? Was I not beautiful enough? Did he leave me because I wasn’t sure I could conceive? Perhaps things would have been different, had I not received a message from an ex of his early in our relationship, assuring me that he was cheating on her with me, among other things, so regardless of how much I wanted to love him, there was no trust in the beginning. I began thinking about other situations that took place in my relationship with him, as well as previous circumstances in past relationships.

I myself, have always been like a dog with a bone in certain areas of my life, and I don’t relent on something that I believe firmly in. Most of that pertains to how I demand to be treated. I am a firm believer in the idea that you teach people how to treat you. More so, I will be blunt in how I expect any future men to treat me based on my past (and apparently limited) experiences with the opposite sex. I did not ever want to be objectified again, I did not want to accept any boyfriend trying to coerce me in to sex or making me feel like I’m lesser of a woman for saying no. I did not want someone to leave me if it turns out that I can’t conceive. I’m a woman there is more to me than a uterus. I never ever wanted to accept the feeling of fear of the opposite sex, or mistrust because of what they would/could expect from me based on their stupid flirts in strip bars or other. If I chose to wait til marriage to have sex again — what of it? As long as I don’t spring it on someone mid-way through a relationship, then why should I be made to feel like I’ve done something wrong? I don’t want someone to treat me like their conquest — I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than let a single person conjure up all of those feelings again. And what a lonely thought…

And wow, didn’t these thoughts bring out the crazy when I jumped back in to the dating game…

I started reading Melinda Tankard-Reist’s blog in the middle of 2010 and read her book Defiant Birth which closely related to my own situations dealing with conception, pregnancy and more. Through reading her blogs, following her on twitter and reading about her campaigns, I started to realise that I was not the only one who saw degredation and misogyny in the way most men view/treat and hold expectations of women. I always felt like I was the only one who felt puzzled by females who accept any of the above treatment from men, or worse, emotional or physical abuse. Sometimes, I actually resolved that I was just being a prude or that there was something flawed in my thinking. But no, what I want/desire can be summed up in to one basic word;

Respect.

Melinda’s books and her blogs certainly helped me let go of this dizzying and false notion that my ex boyfriend was actually the one and that despite how much I pined for him, he was not who or what I wanted to accept in my life. Thus, I was able to (despite the heartache that doesn’t simply turn off) move on and deal with things a lot better. I would say that Melinda’s work was instrumental in helping me realise I could have never provided what that ex would have wanted or expected from me. And I am just one person, I can only imagine how many young women she has influenced in positive ways, how many girls who have seen themselves in victims of the things she campaigns against; porn, emotional/physical abuse, misogyny and more.

I wanted to write this post mostly about Melinda and less about me, but I wanted to point out that what Melinda Tankard-Reist is doing, is showing girls and young women (like myself) how to respect themselves. This doesn’t mean she’s pushing any views about saving yourself til marriage (apparently that’s just me!! lol) or telling girls what to do with their bodies or trying to push any such agenda. She is showing others the society for what it is — a deeply misogynistic one that, if recognised for what it is, can be fought against.

She campaigns against advertisers, corporations and popular culture media when they overstep their boundaries and put children or women at risk. In the past week and more I have seen the most disgusting and offensive things written about her by women and men alike, some of whom are supposed to be professional peers. I find it disturbing and upsetting the way people can be, but it just cements my belief that someone who is doing a good thing will always be met with road blocks and bumps along the way. Because Melinda and other feminists like herself stand up for women, it gives me a confidence to also stand up and share my thoughts and ideas (as controversial as I’ve come to realise they apparently are!) and I am surprised by just how many other women feel the same but have been previously too scared to say much as it is taboo to tell men how we really feel when they treat us certain ways.

Melinda Tankard-Reist, regardless of any beliefs she may or may not hold (Christian or other), is doing an amazing job at keeping many children (possibly yours) safe and free of sexualisation one campaign (sometimes many) at a time, along with many of her other amazing peers who support causes and campaigns that reach out to people like me who have had a very long history with being treated less-than and inferior by other people.

These people who have been saying nasty things, trolling, bleeding hatred from their nasty words with anonymous screen-names or even bold professional ones, need to be concerned with themselves. Disagreeing with her ideas or opinions is one thing, but public slander and bullying, threats of sexual abuse (something I encountered myself via twitter) is just proving every point about degredation she has ever endeavoured to make.

I think Melinda Tankard-Reist is an amazing woman, admirable, articulate, brave and courageous for being able to stand up and fight for what she believes in and what is right. She stands up for her convictions even if it is going against the grain. She deserves to be given more credit and more respect than is currently being afforded.

Thank you, Melinda, for all that you do.

5 Things I’ve Learned From Facebook

1. The people who keep adding me from Highschool aren’t really interested in being my friend.
I know you are shocked and appalled by the mere suggestion that people could just want to add me for the sake of being nosey, but I have it on good authority that it is true. I have a little story to share. It starts off with one of the prettiest girls from school adding me to Facebook. I knew her since I was a little kid, but she conveniently forgot that I existed after 6th grade. That’s just fine, I didn’t really like her snot nose anyway. She added me and I accepted out of nothing more than a fleeting feeling of obligation. I sent her an obligatory “hello and thanks for the add, long time no see…” message on her wall.
Imagine my surprise when she didn’t respond. More than 2 weeks passed and not once did she comment on, reply to or seem vaguely interested in my life. So I did what any disgruntled former-acquaintence would do, I deleted her ass.
Fast-forward 2 months later and she adds me again! I figured that maybe I deleted her prematurely and that she was possibly going to say something but just didn’t remember. I added her, I left her the exactly same message, only because I forgot that I left it the first time. Her page is rife with bullshit posts from the same girls that I once considered my friends. And low and behold, no response. What a surprise! … She made a post about a TV show that I watch, I commented. She replied to everyone else but me. What the frickity frack?
So I deleted her. I was sick of looking at her annoying updates anyway. Imagine my sheer, unfiltered, blinding rage when she went to add me a third time. Take. A. Friggin’ Hint. I was so annoyed this time, that I accepted her. I gave her a three day grace period and in that time nothing was posted. So I sent her a private message that read as follows;
“Seriously, what the hell do you want?”
No response. I deleted her and blocked her stupid ass.
Do you know how many times I’ve added people to my Facebook and they have not once responded to a single thing I’ve written? Mostly these are high school friends who want nothing more to nose through your shit so that they can make themselves feel better about their own crappy mediocre suburban lifestyles. Whatever bitch.
2. People are way more annoying than you could have ever imagined.
Some people have no concept of TMI. Sometimes this is acceptable because their TMI is actually funny and witty and isn’t attention-seeking or laced with ambiguously veiled insults toward someone of whom they have no balls to confront personally.
Now, I don’t want to be a hypocrite here, so I will put my hand up to recognise that I, on occasion have posted a slip-up emo post or something that perhaps hasn’t tried to garner attention, but rather express myself aptly. Though, my friends on my Facebook page are carefully divided up in to categories from Close friends and family, to acquaintences, to high school ‘friends’, to fandom friends and more – this is a great method of regulating what certain people can see. When posting personal things, I usually leave access only to close friends and family, the rest cannot see. Maybe it would do those who don’t know me very well to take a leaf out of my book and do the same. Honestly, I don’t want to watch your domestic affairs unfold over a Facebook status … okay maybe I do, maybe it’s a little comical to me, but that is beside the point.
I can’t handle it when people type ambiguous or leading statuses in order to lure their friends in to asking what is wrong – the questions and concerns will go completely ignored until the person feels like changing or deleting said status.
Oh, the “I’m so friggin’ amazing and drunk” status updates. You know, instead of trying to convince your entire friend’s list of how much of a good time you are having, why don’t you actually stop updating your page and go out and actually have one.
I’m not against anyone who has children and in fact, I love kids… but I don’t want to read about your baby taking a dump for the first time it coughed and farted at the same time. I understand it’s exciting and that you want to share everything because your baby is delightful and amazing, really I do… but seriously… take away users whinging about how hard done by their lives are and the kid talking and Facebook would be a friggin’ ghost town.
3. Men from India and Africa really like me…
I don’t know how many times I have been friend-requested by men who live in India and Africa. They usually send a friend request and I usually send a message asking, “Why are you trying to add me, do you think you know me?” (Knowing very well, of course, that they do not) and I am met with responses like, “You are very beautiful,,, I would like to be friends.” 
Get lost.
4. People have a lot of spare time to play a lot of annoying games.
Hey I am not judging anyone. Before you go and question whether or not I have anything better to do than to write blogs about insufferable movies and why social network annoys me, let me just stop you – No, I don’t.
I too have a lot of spare time.
But what annoys me is having to constantly wade through a bunch of bullshit posts on my Facebook feed in order to get to find out what is actually news with my friends… But I usually don’t get too excited since generally news is people posting about how much their lives suck or how many times their kid pooped that day… but still… How many flash-based games can one be addicted to!?
5. People think that I care where they are at all times.
The check-in place option on Facebook further perpetuates a society that no longer understands the need for privacy. I think I’ve used Facebook check-in a handful of times, usually as a joke. I remember sitting in the car with a friend once, checking in from various false and outrageous locations while giggling madly. A talent agency, a golf course at 8pm, the local ambulance station, the freeway – but I could probably count on my fingers how many times I’ve used it in seriousness.
I don’t mind that people use it, but it’s the level of use that annoys me. I have a particular contact who uses facebook check-in to share her visits to a fast food restaurant. I know that she goes to this particular restaurant more than 5 times a week. Really? Is that something you want people to know? If you’re somewhere special, then fine… I can understand the excitement. If I were in Seattle right now, like I dream of being, then I would be definitely checking-in.
But a visit to the local shopping centre? A walk down the street? Giving the exact coordinates / map while at a friends place? Seriously? I would take up serious issue with any friend of mine who shares the exact coordinates of where I live by checking in from my house.
No one cares where you are every day except you, man!
Well this has been fun. I think I’ll go eat some mayonnaise.