Top 5 Important Life Lessons

 

Hi, it’s been almost a month since my last blog (this sounds like an opening for A.A) but that’s because I’m busy being absolutely freaking amazing. (Did I mention the amazing victory of a 100% mark on an essay? … Hey, the marker may or may not have been drunk, but whatever… it’s going on my transcript. I win.) I just wanted to instill some very important life lessons that I have learned over the span of the time that I’ve been gone. I know, I know, you’re absolutely welcome and it’s so kind of me, etc, etc…
Let’s start.
1. Men still think it’s okay to be extremely inappropriate with female strangers because most women are too stupid to tell them it’s not okay.
Sometimes I really do think women are ridiculous for the kinds of things they allow in their lives and for the way they allow men to treat them. Men are not blameless, but I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you. A lot of women base their self-worth around the attention from the opposite sex, (just an observation) and in essence, accept a lot of things that is not okay by the standards of others. I can’t stand sexual innuendo, connotations, overtones, undertones from men that I have just met, or of whom I don’t consider myself to be close enough to, to speak like that. In fact, I can’t think of one male friend who I would think it was acceptable from. I find it disrespectful, rude and also presumtueous. Do men actually think that this kind of talk excites women? Because honestly, for the most part, I am pretty sure that it does not save for those few who as I mentioned, base their self-esteem on the rule of ‘any attention is good attention’.
I don’t consider myself to be by any means a beauty queen, but I encounter it in my daily life and it pisses me off and not only that but it makes me super uncomfortable when men make “joking” passes regarding sex to me. What happened to chivalry? What happened to treating a lady like a lady? I don’t even expect that someone I’ve just met would swear in front of me, let alone allude to some kind of sexual situation. Foul. Go away, you’re disgusting and I won’t even look back twice.
2. People are extremely stupid and bigoted and they don’t even realise it.
If I have to read one more twitter message or status about how Australia needs to be tougher on immigrants, I will puke. You can bet your life that with these “opinions” there are racist overtones because they are usually posted by bogans who don’t know anything about anything, who still believe the ridiculous myth that Australia will be an Islam nation within the next generation (this has been proven to be a myth, unless of course Islamic families produce about 30 kids per family for the next 15 yrs) and the same ones who will start crying out that we are a “Christian Nation!” (um do you go to church? no. Neither do the larger population of Australia …so…) Those people will sport Southern cross tattoos and stickers on their car saying “Aussie Pryyyyde” and probably rioted in Cronulla a few years back… Unless you’re a native to the land, it wasn’t your country to begin with, and it was OK for England to go in and occupy Africa, India and the Middle East for years too many to count, so why can’t people go where they want to go? And live where they want to live?
I would like to expand on this later because I’ve read some super doozy posts regarding this.
3. Some people in life just can’t be happy unless they are complaining. 
I hate these people, they make me angry. I don’t want to be friends with them, I don’t want to be around them, and after awhile I start losing all my pity for them. I don’t want to bother wasting my time, energy or breath trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. We all have our childish, emo moments, sure — but life is a struggle, everyone struggles, just get over yourself. Sometimes I feel like slapping people when they start whinging about stupid things that can be fixed if they just got off their arse and were willing to actually put some effort in to something. But oh no, they can’t because the whole world is against them and it’s sooooo unfair. Get lost. Life is hard, take responsibility for yourself and don’t expect opportunities to fall in to your lap.
4. People don’t keep pictures of ex’s for ‘memory’ sake. 
I joked about this with a friend the other day. A couple of my friends showed me some pictures of their first boyfriends or ex’s that had really ‘hurt’. I had a few photos of two ex’s that I kept up until just a few months ago on the pretense of having memories…. and we all agreed that the only reason why one never throws out photos is because they are having a hard time letting go and that in fact, memory has nothing at all to do with it.  In fact, the only other reason one would keep pictures besides not being ‘over it’ would be to have a target during your next darts match. I remember when I dated my very first boyfriend back when I was about 15, we broke up intermittently and I cut him out of all of our photos that I kept in frames and put myself back in them without him… and then I think I burned them. I no longer keep any photos of any ex, probably a good sign that I’m over them which is a good thing. My friend also threw out her photos too… What’s the point, you don’t look back when moving forward. Next!

5. Reading books is more exciting than leaving the house and doing social things.

Well, this is just a very important lesson. I went out two weeks ago and was bored out of my mind. This week I have stayed home every day this week and have enjoyed reading many of my 932034234 books and it has been interesting, exciting, adventuous, funny and educational. I have learned many an interesting thing and I’ve not felt uncomfortable, put out, disrespected, annoyed or upset. I like being a wallflower, and with that said; the next book I plan on reading (after Choke by Chuck Palaniuk) is going to be, “The Perks of Being A Wallflower”
Look out for my next blog, 5 things I have learned from watching X-Factor.

 

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5 Things I’ve Learned From Facebook

1. The people who keep adding me from Highschool aren’t really interested in being my friend.
I know you are shocked and appalled by the mere suggestion that people could just want to add me for the sake of being nosey, but I have it on good authority that it is true. I have a little story to share. It starts off with one of the prettiest girls from school adding me to Facebook. I knew her since I was a little kid, but she conveniently forgot that I existed after 6th grade. That’s just fine, I didn’t really like her snot nose anyway. She added me and I accepted out of nothing more than a fleeting feeling of obligation. I sent her an obligatory “hello and thanks for the add, long time no see…” message on her wall.
Imagine my surprise when she didn’t respond. More than 2 weeks passed and not once did she comment on, reply to or seem vaguely interested in my life. So I did what any disgruntled former-acquaintence would do, I deleted her ass.
Fast-forward 2 months later and she adds me again! I figured that maybe I deleted her prematurely and that she was possibly going to say something but just didn’t remember. I added her, I left her the exactly same message, only because I forgot that I left it the first time. Her page is rife with bullshit posts from the same girls that I once considered my friends. And low and behold, no response. What a surprise! … She made a post about a TV show that I watch, I commented. She replied to everyone else but me. What the frickity frack?
So I deleted her. I was sick of looking at her annoying updates anyway. Imagine my sheer, unfiltered, blinding rage when she went to add me a third time. Take. A. Friggin’ Hint. I was so annoyed this time, that I accepted her. I gave her a three day grace period and in that time nothing was posted. So I sent her a private message that read as follows;
“Seriously, what the hell do you want?”
No response. I deleted her and blocked her stupid ass.
Do you know how many times I’ve added people to my Facebook and they have not once responded to a single thing I’ve written? Mostly these are high school friends who want nothing more to nose through your shit so that they can make themselves feel better about their own crappy mediocre suburban lifestyles. Whatever bitch.
2. People are way more annoying than you could have ever imagined.
Some people have no concept of TMI. Sometimes this is acceptable because their TMI is actually funny and witty and isn’t attention-seeking or laced with ambiguously veiled insults toward someone of whom they have no balls to confront personally.
Now, I don’t want to be a hypocrite here, so I will put my hand up to recognise that I, on occasion have posted a slip-up emo post or something that perhaps hasn’t tried to garner attention, but rather express myself aptly. Though, my friends on my Facebook page are carefully divided up in to categories from Close friends and family, to acquaintences, to high school ‘friends’, to fandom friends and more – this is a great method of regulating what certain people can see. When posting personal things, I usually leave access only to close friends and family, the rest cannot see. Maybe it would do those who don’t know me very well to take a leaf out of my book and do the same. Honestly, I don’t want to watch your domestic affairs unfold over a Facebook status … okay maybe I do, maybe it’s a little comical to me, but that is beside the point.
I can’t handle it when people type ambiguous or leading statuses in order to lure their friends in to asking what is wrong – the questions and concerns will go completely ignored until the person feels like changing or deleting said status.
Oh, the “I’m so friggin’ amazing and drunk” status updates. You know, instead of trying to convince your entire friend’s list of how much of a good time you are having, why don’t you actually stop updating your page and go out and actually have one.
I’m not against anyone who has children and in fact, I love kids… but I don’t want to read about your baby taking a dump for the first time it coughed and farted at the same time. I understand it’s exciting and that you want to share everything because your baby is delightful and amazing, really I do… but seriously… take away users whinging about how hard done by their lives are and the kid talking and Facebook would be a friggin’ ghost town.
3. Men from India and Africa really like me…
I don’t know how many times I have been friend-requested by men who live in India and Africa. They usually send a friend request and I usually send a message asking, “Why are you trying to add me, do you think you know me?” (Knowing very well, of course, that they do not) and I am met with responses like, “You are very beautiful,,, I would like to be friends.” 
Get lost.
4. People have a lot of spare time to play a lot of annoying games.
Hey I am not judging anyone. Before you go and question whether or not I have anything better to do than to write blogs about insufferable movies and why social network annoys me, let me just stop you – No, I don’t.
I too have a lot of spare time.
But what annoys me is having to constantly wade through a bunch of bullshit posts on my Facebook feed in order to get to find out what is actually news with my friends… But I usually don’t get too excited since generally news is people posting about how much their lives suck or how many times their kid pooped that day… but still… How many flash-based games can one be addicted to!?
5. People think that I care where they are at all times.
The check-in place option on Facebook further perpetuates a society that no longer understands the need for privacy. I think I’ve used Facebook check-in a handful of times, usually as a joke. I remember sitting in the car with a friend once, checking in from various false and outrageous locations while giggling madly. A talent agency, a golf course at 8pm, the local ambulance station, the freeway – but I could probably count on my fingers how many times I’ve used it in seriousness.
I don’t mind that people use it, but it’s the level of use that annoys me. I have a particular contact who uses facebook check-in to share her visits to a fast food restaurant. I know that she goes to this particular restaurant more than 5 times a week. Really? Is that something you want people to know? If you’re somewhere special, then fine… I can understand the excitement. If I were in Seattle right now, like I dream of being, then I would be definitely checking-in.
But a visit to the local shopping centre? A walk down the street? Giving the exact coordinates / map while at a friends place? Seriously? I would take up serious issue with any friend of mine who shares the exact coordinates of where I live by checking in from my house.
No one cares where you are every day except you, man!
Well this has been fun. I think I’ll go eat some mayonnaise.

5 Moments That Will Make You Cringe Possibly For Your Entire Life.

So hey, you know those moments where you do something that makes you feel really embarrassed? How do you handle them? Do they keep you up at night? I was thinking about this earlier because I can think of an instance where I still shudder and my conscience still brings it up with me when I’m contemplating belly lint or trying to study astrophysics (haha, just kidding, I totally don’t contemplate my belly lint, that part was a total lie). Here are 5 moments that you always want to gloss over, but you can’t because for some hideous reason, it’s been emblazoned in to your memory bank even forgoing the memory of what you did with your jury-duty bill that you received 2 weeks ago; or what safe-place it was that you put that those family heirlooms… but I digress.

 

1. Spit in my eye, fantastic!

Someone important has asked you a question. It’s that hot guy, future boss, someone you want to make an impression on – or who knows? Just… someone that you’re actually bothering to put on some airs and graces for. You’re looking great, you sound like you are really funny, witty, cool, intelligent. You flip your hair over your shoulder as you’re speaking – wow, man, you have never ever looked so cool. Shit, you’ve never been cool, but this is your moment, you are shining. You laugh at all the right moments, you are apparently saying all the right things — no one has ever found your tangents about Playstation3 Vs Xbox360 this interesting before. No that face the person is making in front of you isn’t disgust, they’re just gassy, it happens, don’t let it blow your confidence, you’re a friggin’ rocksta—oh great.

You can see it, they can feel it. Both of your eyes fleetingly, almost slyly meet at the same spot – that tiny little bauble of spittle that rests delicately upon their cheek. It flew out of your mouth, such a tiny little bauble, but if it had a sound effect, it would be in cinema sound. It’d sound like that big moment in Pearl Harbor… And now there’s awkwardness. What do you do, you ask yourself? Keep talking, no don’t keep talking, if you keep talking you’ll lose your train of thought because your conscience will be too busy screaming YOU SPAT ON HIM!!!!!!!!! … Do you acknowledge it? Yes. No. Maybe. “OH GOD, I DONT KNOW; I JUST SPAT ON HIM!!!!” …Before you get to make your choice, said person of interest very subtly brushes your delicate piece of spittle away, as if it was an unwanted kiss, if you will… And you bumble your way through the rest of the conversation until it dies. And then when for the next hour all you can think about is how you spat on that guy over there, yep, the one keeping his distance. And you know what? All he can think of is that horrible, awkward hideous moment where he got spat on by some random.

And you’ll still be thinking about it when you go to bed at night. And at other random intervals… And probably still in 20 years time when you’re caressing the back of your white cat and planning to launch a counterattack on society for being ever-so cruel to you.

 

2. You just fell for me.

Oh yeah, this will make you feel like a real dick. There are all types of trips you can take – and I’m unfortunately not talking about the holidaying kind. I’m talking about the kind where you hurt your ankle like a bitch and humiliate yourself in the process and leave people giggling under their breath – or if you are around a bunch of arseholes, probably they’ll be less discreet at laughing at your misfortune.

Sometimes gravity just loves to play a little trick on you – and by some, almost supernatural, unexplained force you almost meet the ground, but you don’t. Instead, you stumble just a few steps. Unless of course, it’s one of those comedy of stumbles where you trip about five times will trying to regather your balance, self-esteem that has just taken a massive hit from your own inability to well, walk. You fail epically, but… you try to convince everyone else around you after you have both feet back on the ground that nothing happened and that you are indeed graceful, yup, like a friggin’ swan. You are red-faced and your toe is sore and so is your ego, but you hold your head high and keep on without making eye contact with any other person for fear that they will be laughing in your face.

And they are, you know, some a little more quietly than others, but some overt and unashamed. The harder the fall, the harder the laugh, the more bruised the ego becomes. And if the fall actually causes people to ask if you’re okay, you try to convince them you are. It could be that you are bleeding from 12 places, but still you convince them with a smile on your face, “Oh that, no, no, no… I had this gash on my forehead before I fell over. Haha, yes! I also had a wrist that was facing the wrong way and only one shoe… Thanks though!”

And after you’ve dragged yourself out of hospital getting stitched up and you’re comfortable in bed, your conscience is still haunting you about how all those people laughed at you and you looked like the world’s biggest dickhead for falling on that tiny little step in the curb.

You know what? Those people are probably still laughing at you for your stupidity each time they think of it. People revel in your misfortune.

 

3. Kodak moment.

You have this really super funny story that may possibly be a little inappropriate – or maybe it’s a naughty limerick or a little ditty that you found wildly hilarious and you want – nay, need, to share it with a group of people because then they’ll finally see you for the fantastic, witty hilarious chap that you clearly are. So you share it, you go in to great detail, you use arm gestures, going for the gusto! You are animated, charismatic you add just the right element of suspense to keep everybody hanging on to your every, interesting, riveting word – shit, all you are missing is a campfire and marshmallows roasting on sticks. And you get to the point of the story and it is met with an awkward exchange of looks.

… Well. You were not banking on that reaction. What reaction, you are asking? Exactly.

Worse than no reaction at all, is that moment where you realised that your story/joke/dirty limerick offended everybody horribly. At least in the case of silence, you can console yourself that your humour is just way too sophisticated for most of your insufferable peers to get. When people are offended, you go in to damage-control – if there is such thing. Generally after telling everybody about the hilarious time you tied your dog and cat together in a perfectly ventilated area in hopes that they’d get bored and create a miracle hybrid of animal, there’s not much you can say to take it back… Don’t ask me how I know that, just trust me.

You can always get away with it by justifying to everyone else that it was just a Kodak moment in that, you just had to be there to see the funny side of it! Surely when your conscience eats at you every night for the next month about it, will be reminder enough what mistakes not to make a second time!

 

4. So good to see you.

You see someone who you know a little bit. Maybe you’ve met a few times but don’t quite consider yourself their friend yet… and you see them and you’re happy to see them – you figure you could approach them and make up share some gossip important and detailed information with them that may make them like you more. And then they start waving at you frantically with a big grin, and it’s unexpected but you are really happy because wow, clearly you made such an impact on them despite the fact that you spat on them back a little while ago… So you start waving frantically back, almost, dare I say? Euphoric with joy! You make a beeline to that person and are right about to say hello enthusiastically like an excitable puppy when you realise you actually – OH NO… you turn around behind you, you look to the person standing almost directly behind you and you realise, oh shit… nope, it wasn’t you they were waving at.

And the worst part? They realised at the same time that you thought they were waving at you. Well, well, isn’t this an awkward little moment for everybody involved that shall haunt not only you, but the other parties involved probably for about…ever.

 

5. “What do you think?”

You are shopping with a friend and you’re looking at something, probably a book or a DVD knowing you. You are reading the back of it and you start talking to your friend, asking her educated opinion on the matters of Batman vs Superman (not that you need her opinion, clearly Batman is the winner here) and you realise that wily bitch isn’t so much walking as she is, edging away slowly almost embarrassed. You realise the 6ft man that is quietly making an exit is not in fact just your suddenly matronly-looking friend. Your friend is too busy standing by an aisle not too far away laughing behind her hand at your own stupidity.

Or worse, when the person doesn’t edge away and they let you realise that it’s not the person that you think it is and they smile almost patronisingly, as if they could never make such an easy mistake.

What’s even worse than that is when said stranger starts speaking to you back and it’s one of those socially inappropriate types that you can’t get away from which makes real friend laugh even harder so that not only your conscience can taunt you later on, but now she can too…

 

Share your embarrassing moments that you can still think of that have happened long, long ago though your conscience still makes you feel like an idiot for it, come on, be brave… I just shared all of mine.